Find Yourself to Express Yourself

When I became a young teenager, and was finally out from under my parents thumbs I had a stronger than normal sense to express myself, in many ways.  From my personality, to how I dressed and looked, to lastly how I interacted with others, I was very intentional in my “being.”

For my sense of style casually, I prefer very good worn clothes, always with great shoes and accessories.  I have a few signature pieces of jewelry that never come off. From my chain with my cross, and a medallion with the Our Father in Latin, to a metal Diesel bracelet, a bracelet from Global Goods, and lastly a clear colored Lokai.  My clothes are not clothes you buy in a mall or department store. Most of my pants that aren’t jeans come from Australia, and my shoes and sneakers I get from all over the place. For my casual sense of style I do 99% of my shopping on line, or at thrift stores. I have over the last three years, developed a strong taste for good tag-pulling thrift store style shopping..

My persona, which I think is true for all of us, but for me my persona is so unique for having a birth defect that causes me to stand out; not in a bad way. I am just not easily labelled in any sense of the word, and if I start to feel I can be labelled I change myself around. My style has remained constant and true for 20 years, and has only gotten more individualistic and  more elite in my  tastes as years have gone on.  I don’t ever want to “look” like anyone else. I don’t find a hair style and bring it to my stylist and say I want to look like them. My hair is another part of me, that is only mine. I make sure my hair style is different, becoming, and something with a very fashion forward sense.

My style includes lots of urban wear, I am drawn to monochromatic, blacks, hues of grey, and blues mostly.  I have an affinity for outerwear. My jacket collection boarders the obscene, and even though I am always donating clothes, jackets, shoes etc. I am still owning more stuff than I can ever wear. This goes against my persona I have been developing since I was a teenager.

I don’t want to have too much excess. I am not a follower by any means. I am as leader, sometimes alone in my own pack. I also get along with people. It is easier to get along than to not care for someone and deal with the bullshit. I “fit” in but I also stand out. I walk a very fine line this way. I am always known, not the most popular, because my persona is threatening both intellectually and otherwise to both peers and superiors.  I have the strongest mind, will, and determination.  I do not follow the rules, because since I was younger I stopped learning them.  I don’t care that everyone who has an interview sends a thank you note right away. I do not, and I don’t think it has ever stopped me from landing the gig I wanted.

I was born with mania.  A rare condition that keeps me up high and alert most of the time. Sleeping eludes me for the most part. I think my mania can give me confidence that might be or is seen as cock sure or too ego-centric.  I will admit to the ego-centric side. Not only is that true, as I am very interested in MY stuff and my things. I don’t mind spending time along, and actually like it most of the time. People, even the best, wear me out, and I always have to be “on” more than the “on” that my mania already causes me. I can easily be the life of the party or border anti-social. I am aloof in new settings, but kind and compassionate once I know and feel good about you.

The more I write this little piece, the more of a narcissist I appear to be. On the one hand. I have seen lots of doctors and that has never come up with that thought, so I don’t think that is it honestly.  I think I like myself. We should all like ourselves, right? Self-love although very different is also very important. I believe my intentionality to seek out looks, and ways of being that are truly authentic to me are what make me stand a little to the left of everyone else.  I don’t want to be any part of any ‘herd’ whatsoever. The big group thing, not for me. I prefer smaller tighter groups of friends, and one or two really best friends.

I am usually happy with myself in terms of my style when I decide to put in the effort and be true. Lots or most of the times for school, I go as a complete bum in jeans and a tee-shirt. However, I make sure even my tee-shirts are different. I am never going to be a walking advertisement for any company besides maybe big fashion hauses like Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, and possibly Diesel.

I like nice things, and I have nice things. Going on 40, I have been collecting nice things for 20 years now. I have the old expensive Calvin Klein t-shirts I still wear from 18 years ago. I take very good care of my things, as well as myself. I am a product whore, have been for twenty years, and use only the best skin products. I don’t get my skin care products at stores, I go right to dermatologists with medi-spas. I might sound like a snob, but I am not at all. I have always had more than what I needed monetarily and I even today live off way less than I am budgeted for…..I am not just a consumer of things. I like what I like, and sometimes something new comes out and I get it, but because I have been buying slowly high end everything since my twenties, I don’t need to always be replacing things.  My home style and décor is rather timeless and eclectic. I pride myself on going without something, because I don’t want to spend the money, rather than buy a knock off of something cheaper.

So why all this talk and prose about a  nobody like me? How about for starters you look at yourself and see if you could write your own definitive piece on you, your style, and persona? Most people can’t. They are too insecure to be their own person. They follow, on some level. People tell me all the time they are not followers, and within two minutes I can have them see that they don’t march to the beat of there own drum. Does everyone need to be different? No, but being at the very least a complete individual is surely important. Does everyone need to invent themselves, or figure out a new style, because in reading this you realize that none of YOU shines through? No, but if you want to you should do it at whatever speed or pace you are comfortable with. Being authentic is one of our purposes here on this earth. Being authentic means being ‘true’ to who you are and what you are, and your values and seeing how closely you live to them. It is a challenge, and it is our responsibility to do justice to our individuality


If you are so far away from this, that is okay. Take a baby step. Think about only you. Don’t let anyone else enter into your mind, and think about one thing you like, are, or want to be. Start small, very small if you need to, and work your way up.

I write this because although I could write all that crap about me, I feel lost in this world. I know who I am, in my very small sphere, but in relationship to the large world, I am not so sure. I write this because I see, I know, I love so many people who are lost. I say take a step towards finding your authentic self. Nothing could be more freeing.