The Normal

What is the normal? Who is the normal? These are questions I ask myself repeatedly while my brain is on fire.

Is there a normal or baseline for brain activity and racing thoughts? We have diagnoses of ADHD and mania but other than those is there any clear definitive normal?

I suspect normal is what any given person is. Doesn’t make a lot of sense but how else can we explain exploding thoughts in one person’s brain, and calm, open thoughtlessness in another’s person’s brain?

There are imaging tests that show brain activity and the amount but as far as I know nothing to back up measurements unless you are talking about seizures.

There is a thought….what if what my brain is experiencing is a type of information overload seizure? It is possible. No, there is nothing in the academic literature or research, but what if that were the case? Would that mean medication for these information overload seizures exists or could be developed? It is just a thought amidst my thousands so please forgive me.

I don’t no what normal feels like. I know until this outbreak in increased activity I was closer to normal than I am now.

I don’t often think about being different, except for my speech. It is barely articulate sometimes and nerves me up so much I begin to stutter.

Speech is my biggest hang up. It is what I am most self-conscience about. I can look and appear pretty illiterate when I speak, when the exact words flow so smoothly on paper. At other times, I have been told I am a mesmerizing speaker who can really tell a story or describe a concept.

So much of it is dependent on my body-chemistry I know. I am not a neurologist and I know the affects the Adderall has on my system at times. Also at play are the hundreds to thousands of bio-chemicals swirling around our brains. I am aware of changes in them too at times. Maybe a doctor would call me crazy for suggesting such a thought, but I would love to take a test and play increase or decrease in a particular brain bio-chemical. I know I would probably get it right.

I know unlike others their brains don’t wreck havoc on their daily life just thinking-obviously I am excluding mental illness here. I struggle from how to start my day with the maniac’s hours and the golden elixir to the rest of the day, trying to stay stimulated and feed my brain’s fire. I actually try to write and read at the same time-anything to stay satiated.

I just want to get this figured out to whatever degree it is possible and do then what is possible to control my brain on fire. Today to free myself from my mind and thinking I am going to a fair with my daughter to ride rides and play games made for us to lose.

I think I need to distract and get active and my injuries don’t allow for a lot of physicality.

Stephanie is going to stay home and do some serious medical research as she has access to the major medical libraries.

Perhaps she will come up with a hypothesis although she likes my seizure one a lot.

I pray for some fun and down time, and not being such a fucking head case really. I am talking less as I try to build parallel constructs out of my crazy thoughts and pressured speech.

Stephanie did some deep research on mania while I was at the fair with Bella. It is a good thing I am going to see the neurologist at Hopkins as it appears some mania escalates at one point or another and can be very jarring to the person.

I just want my speech and my complete discernment of my thoughts to be right. I am phobic about speaking to someone I don’t know. My friends and family can somehow understand me although right now I can’t keep up with it.

Stephanie did a ton of research today and there are even other drugs that help with the symptomology. I love her so much and I know she is worried. I am not at my best and have my post-op appointment tomorrow where  I think the news is going to be devastating.

On a high note I had to take a cab and the driver was a cool dude named Danny. He told me he gives out his own award each day for his coolest passenger and that I was right up at the top but he still had hours to go. We exchanged numbers and he told me to call him to see if I won. I just called and I was his coolest passenger of  the day. I am so psyched.

Tonight I don’t think I will sleep. I am taking an Adderall now to quell what is going on and I will lay with Stephanie of course but I have got to break this. I have no idea what normal is to anybody else but my normal needs some medical attention soon!