Anorexia As It Is Today

On November 8, 2016 it will make the two year point when I went into the hospital and received a feeding tube.

I was sick for like 9 months earlier from the date I went in to the hospital. Today I weighed myself and weigh 103 pounds, that is up three pounds and I have been eating a lot and staying off the scale. I thought I would be up more than three pounds with all the extra I have eaten during the last couple of weeks. However maybe going to the gym is having a negative impact on my weight restoration.

I haven’t been that mindful or intentional about going to the gym and will keep a better eye on it this week after I return to the gym after election day on Tuesday. I am pretty sure I will gain some weight after I start going there regularly. I know this last week when I went sporadically I lost weight because I didn’t replenish my food intake with proteins and shakes that are necessary to consume after a workout of any magnitude.

I am remembering two years ago that I really was in a place two years ago, really far from where I am today. I had lost 40 pounds and was heading towards another thirty plus weight loss and many months of feeding tubes.

I am not that sick person today even though weight restoration eludes me and I still am struggling to make a full recovery.

I think looking back on that time, through my writing of my blogs will be helpful today and give me confidence and hope that I have come a lot further than I give myself credit and all that I endured two long years ago.

I need to go to my eating disorders therapist when I get settled next week and see Pam and let her see me as I am now in semi-recovery and with a healthy mind that askews anorexic thought of restriction and have not picked up any restrictive habits in the past couple of months.

I am watching out for my ex-friend who is competing in a beauty/glamour competition this weekend in Providence, Rhode Island and looking at her body shots from last weekend. She has inspired me to go to the gym, although I have no desire to look like her or put the amount of time she does into this endeavor. She is basically addicted and works out multiple times a day. She got involved in this when I got sick with anorexia. We were both slight and neither one of us was working out and lifting weights so we didn’t have hard bodies but as I got sick, she was getting coaches, and starting out on her body transformation.

I looked at her pictures from last weekend before I knew the competition guidelines, and saw that she had in fact come a long ways but she was lacking development of the derriere and hips/legs region. Also as I have noted previously her abs are under developed and might be this way because she had two kids I am not sure. I want her to do well, but in slimming down, she lost muscle and isn’t bringing a full package to the stage. Her butt looks almost like a pancake and gives the illusion that it is flabby although that is not the case. Besides winning, she has an opportunity to get her pro card, and I wanted her to at least get that. I sadly don’t see it happening giving the judging criteria and her under development. I am keeping her in my thoughts and prayers this weekend, and hope I am not as critical as the judges and she at least gets her pro card. A couple of weeks ago before she started shredding she had a much better body for competition than she does today. I know she doesn’t read this blog and my words and thoughts are safe, as I just want her to get something for all her hard work.

I have no intention of working out to that degree. It is her life, and everything revolves around it, and my life is too full and has too many goals that would never allow me to workout at that level. It is pretty much an addiction and she works out at least two times a day with additional cardio and meal prep added into her day. I know she works full time and is in a relationship and is a mom, and I don’t see where she has time for her relationship or her children. She posts from the gym at 10:30 pm at night and has to be to work at 7:30 am the next morning. I know what I want out of my body, and that is a tight, long and lean muscle bound body that works out 4-5 days a week, and runs 3-5 miles a day. I will be stretched to get all that in, for sure. Once I am back at school I will have to at least run while at the school gym, and probably save the workout part until I get home to Dover.

I might not be able to do the weights to the degree I want to, as we shall have to see. I can’t wait to get through my injuries and surgeries to get back to the gym and start lifting some real weights.

I am going to work this weekend for the campaign locally, and hopefully make it to the gym, and get some sweat equity in.

I will work the campaign Saturday and Sunday, go to the gym both days, and write a couple of blogs over the next forty eight hours. With those tasks, I have little to no time for anything else. Eating has got to be a priority and I need to map out my eating and get it organized for today and tomorrow. Monday is all the campaign and Tuesday is election day and blogging. Nothing else is going to happen with that schedule in place.

I am going to get through the election on Tuesday, and I am going to work on my eating, and marking out my workouts and my time at the campaign over today, tomorrow, and Monday. Everything changes on Tuesday, in so many ways with the Presidential Election. Fastening my seatbelt for the ride ahead right now.