The Beginning of U-ME

Hannah and Darnell 6-25-16.pngI am currently divorced and about to embark on a relationship with my best friend of two years. Her name is Stephanie and she is the perfect spouse for me. We have been acting less than adult-like and not dealing with our real feelings for one another.

That was until about three months ago. We had a talk. Not the talk but a talk. Admissions of more than just friendship were shared by both of us. I have been sick battling anorexia for two years. She has honestly saved my life. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her. For the past year and a half we have spent all our free time and almost every night including overnights. She has been my constant and steady rock as well as my best friend and more.

We are now openly talking about our adult feelings…progress at 39 and 37 years old. This is not the first time for me with marriage. I married my perfect girl at 24, she was the most beautiful on the inside and out with a brain, and she was my best friend. We were married for 10 tens some of the most happiest times in my entire life. We did not fight ever. I was a poor spouse, never been in a committed long-term relationship before, and never learned the rules of reciprocity, or exactly what marriage entails. I tried to be a good spouse, I tried to be a great spouse, but I shamelessly feel short of the goal. I was 100 percent committed to my marriage and we even brought my daughter into this world. I have been through so much therapy to fix myself, re-build myself, make myself worthy. I can’t fail at marriage again. I won’t make it. The whole thing was too devastating.

Now I am again with an achingly beautiful and brilliant girl, who is my best friend and has watched flop around trying to get my feet back under myself. One the 20th of June we went to the beach for Summer Solstice and when it got dark I grabbed her hand. I held , I liked it, it felt so right. I had wanted to just hold her hand for such a long while; but I was frightened I would wreck everything.

We decided to take the plunge from platonic to romantic which won’t be difficult for either one of us- it is so true. We have planned a get-away weekend this weekend to cross over the platonic line. From there we just want to be, what we have wanted to be for so long it seems. We fully intend to enjoy Our Summer of Endless Love and then we will make a plan to get engaged. That’s right we are going from being friends to marriage rather soon. We know we have stood the test of time and sadly even near death illness. We are perfect for each other, we have the most brilliant conversations at like 3 am in the morning. We like to be together, it works really well for us. The best part is we share the same values and morals on relationships and marriage.

I write this because it is the start of a new blog called, U-ME. It is going to be a love story blog.  What gets posted will depend on what we are going through. She is a dentist and has agreed to me capturing our love in mid-air. So tomorrow Thursday, we leave for Fire Island. We have exquisite dinner reservations for Saturday night. I believe although we are completely spontaneous we will wait to Saturday night to begin a journey that intertwines our bodies and souls. We are both over the moon excited I can’t wait for her to get home tonight so that we can pack. We as leaving as the best friends and I will let you know as soon as I know what exactly we are returning as… silly and ridiculous we had to share our story.





Next in Line

Five weeks ago my family lost our pug, named Jack. He was over 16 years old, and was more than a member of our family. He had always been my best friend, and over the years I truly counted on him. He never let me down, and I will always be grateful.

I am now divorced but only 4 years out, so most of my time was spent either with my wife or out on my own. I got my first dog, Chloe when I was just 19 years old. Chloe was an amazing dog, everybody had a Chloe story. After I got Chloe, I waited five years and then got a second dog. No serious girls planned for my life, I was busy building  a beach house, and got my second dog, Simon. For the next 18 months, it was just the three of us. I loved them and I spent all my time with them when I was not working.

Then I met the girl I would marry. She had no pets, and she wasn’t an animal lover. We hit it off but I told her I am a package deal.  One night I brought my two terriers over, and they ran all over her house. She pretended all was fine, but I knew she wasn’t okay. She grew to love Chloe and Simon, just like she did me. They became our dogs, and she loved them dearly. Six weeks before our wedding, we are at the vet with Chloe and Simon. All of a sudden there was a bunch of noise, a basket full of baby pugs had just come in. I walked up to the basket, and asked the man if I could hold this specific one. He said yes, and I picked up Jack for the first time. He snuggled into my neck, it was love at first meeting. I went to bring him over to my wife to be, she said, “No!” and I put him onto her neck. Next thing you know we find out he is available and getting his last shots. We dash to the bank to get the 1500 dollars and race back to the breeders.

So that was our life with the dogs. Chloe 6, Simon 2, and Jack the pug just a baby. He got Jack six weeks before we were getting married. The timing was a tad off. Chloe ruled the boys, as all female alphas do. She corrected them when they were bad, and was the ring leader most of the time.

Our life changed with the birth of daughter. We were more concerned how the dogs would adjust to the baby. They all worked out beautifully, Chloe was 10, and I asked to live long enough for my daughter to remember her.

We lived a great life with our daughter and our three dogs. Chloe and Simon were both terriers and spent their time together. Jack was always on his own. He was the pug, and the best dog ever. He didn’t have an ounce of guile,  never growled, never bit, never asked for anything. He was completely a confident. I took sick when Jack was like nine, and he never once left my side for months. He didn’t leave to eat, he didn’t live for anything. He stayed with me the entire time.

Chloe was so special, and she lived to be 17, and we had to  put her down. Bella remembered her and I couldn’t have asked her for more.  Simon was lost. He didn’t know the world  without Chloe. Simon and Jack never got any closer. Jack was always his own pug. Unfortunately 2 years after Chloe’s death, Simon took ill with a brain tumor, and we needed to put him down.

That left just Jack the pug. We talked about getting another dog. We wanted a female, a black pug, we wanted to name Julia Bleu. We found a breeder, put down money for pick of the litter, and prayed there would be a black female. Two black pugs can have all tan babies.  On April 2, 2011, we got the call the puppies had been born. Two days later my daughter and I drove over an hour to the breeder’s to see the 6 puppies. There were three black ones. Two girls and a male. We looked at them and held them but at two days old you really cant tell much. My daughter Bella and I settled on the smaller black female. The breeder put a red tie around her neck so they would know and they immediately called her Julia Bleu. Every Saturday until we could bring her home, Bella and I drove to the breeders and played with Julia Bleu. She was very fond of Bella’s long hair.

On May 29, 1 week early because the mom was having problems we picked up wily Julia Bleu. We took her straight to the vet even though she had been checked out by the breeders vet. She was perfect, but wild, crazy, and did not ever stop moving, We got her home and poor Jack’s life was turned upside down. At the same time, my wife and I we nearing the end of our marriage, sadly. She thought Julia Bleu was a terror and I was in charge of her, We have been inseparable for 5 years.

On July 17, 2011 I left our house with Julia Bleu and a knapsack. I spoke to Jack, and asked him to please take care of my Bella and also my ex-wife. We would all meet up in the morning at the suite I was going to stay at with tiny, crazy, naughty, but oh so freaking cute Julia Bleu.

She has given me a run for my money for sure. Because Jack was so amazing and so good, Julia Bleu had some pretty big paws to fill.  She was definitely an alpha

We had no idea if Julia Bleu would be special like Chloe or Jack. It takes them until they reach 5 years old to mellow out and for their personality to really show itself. She is and has been completely loyal to me always. I am her’s and she is mine. Sadly 5 weeks ago, Jack who was 16 plus years old, was at the kennel because I got hurt and needed surgeries and my ex-wife and daughter were still going to Europe without me. I got a call from Europe on a Wednesday. Jack was not doing so well at the kennel. I had leg surgery scheduled for the next day, so I couldn’t deal with anything until after that. They just thought he wasn’t eating well.

Thursday night after my surgery I got a frantic call from Europe. Jack was not good, I needed to take him to the vet on Friday, and then bring him back to the kennel. I picked Jack up and I knew it wasn’t good. He was too stressed out. He was both blind and deaf, but he could smell, so he smelled me and it began to calm him down. We got him to the vet, and I knew although I had different levels all through my house, I needed to keep Jack. I called Europe and told my ex-wife. She told me, don’t take him back to the kennel, take him with you he loves and knows it is you. The vet was unsure he would make it through the night.

We got home and Julia Bleu was different. Usually she was all over Jack but she sensed something was wrong. Julia Bleu stayed with Jack, and did not come up on the bed with us that night. Jack seemed better we just needed to get the house proofed for him. Julia Bleu was different. To make a long story short, Jack had a great day and was so much better than the night before. Took them outside after dinner and had fun in the grass and in the sunshine. Brought them in and Jack’s bed was right beside my computer. I got him settled, and spent a couple minutes on the computer, all the while petting him gently. All of a sudden I realized, that without a sound, or movement Jack had died. I will spare the details but my heart has never been so broken. I stayed with Jack all through the night and Julia Bleu was calm, and for the first time she wore a worried look. She could smell death of course.

After taking care of Jack the next morning, I was in shock and I noticed Julia Bleu was not eating, Two days went by and she still hadn’t eaten. She was still mellow and very close to me the entire time. I took Julia Bleu to the vets just to be checked out. She was grieving for sure, but the vet found a growth on her. He tested it and it came back cancerous. Julia Bleu needed emergency surgery the next day. I was devastated Julia Bleu had changed, she was going to be another special member of our family. We got through the surgery and the  tumor had to be sent out to be staged. Hopefully at 5 yrs it would only be a 1 and she would be fine. Days went by, and I appreciated my little black pug more and more. We got the results it was stage 2,which still was okay. Julia Bleu was going to be okay.

I am happy to say, Julia Bleu as taken her place as the head of our family. She has truly grown up overnight, and been a constant support of unconditional love and loyalty.

. Thank you Julia Bleu, I thought you were special, but you have proven to be out of this world. I would be lost without you.



Find Yourself to Express Yourself

When I became a young teenager, and was finally out from under my parents thumbs I had a stronger than normal sense to express myself, in many ways.  From my personality, to how I dressed and looked, to lastly how I interacted with others, I was very intentional in my “being.”

For my sense of style casually, I prefer very good worn clothes, always with great shoes and accessories.  I have a few signature pieces of jewelry that never come off. From my chain with my cross, and a medallion with the Our Father in Latin, to a metal Diesel bracelet, a bracelet from Global Goods, and lastly a clear colored Lokai.  My clothes are not clothes you buy in a mall or department store. Most of my pants that aren’t jeans come from Australia, and my shoes and sneakers I get from all over the place. For my casual sense of style I do 99% of my shopping on line, or at thrift stores. I have over the last three years, developed a strong taste for good tag-pulling thrift store style shopping..

My persona, which I think is true for all of us, but for me my persona is so unique for having a birth defect that causes me to stand out; not in a bad way. I am just not easily labelled in any sense of the word, and if I start to feel I can be labelled I change myself around. My style has remained constant and true for 20 years, and has only gotten more individualistic and  more elite in my  tastes as years have gone on.  I don’t ever want to “look” like anyone else. I don’t find a hair style and bring it to my stylist and say I want to look like them. My hair is another part of me, that is only mine. I make sure my hair style is different, becoming, and something with a very fashion forward sense.

My style includes lots of urban wear, I am drawn to monochromatic, blacks, hues of grey, and blues mostly.  I have an affinity for outerwear. My jacket collection boarders the obscene, and even though I am always donating clothes, jackets, shoes etc. I am still owning more stuff than I can ever wear. This goes against my persona I have been developing since I was a teenager.

I don’t want to have too much excess. I am not a follower by any means. I am as leader, sometimes alone in my own pack. I also get along with people. It is easier to get along than to not care for someone and deal with the bullshit. I “fit” in but I also stand out. I walk a very fine line this way. I am always known, not the most popular, because my persona is threatening both intellectually and otherwise to both peers and superiors.  I have the strongest mind, will, and determination.  I do not follow the rules, because since I was younger I stopped learning them.  I don’t care that everyone who has an interview sends a thank you note right away. I do not, and I don’t think it has ever stopped me from landing the gig I wanted.

I was born with mania.  A rare condition that keeps me up high and alert most of the time. Sleeping eludes me for the most part. I think my mania can give me confidence that might be or is seen as cock sure or too ego-centric.  I will admit to the ego-centric side. Not only is that true, as I am very interested in MY stuff and my things. I don’t mind spending time along, and actually like it most of the time. People, even the best, wear me out, and I always have to be “on” more than the “on” that my mania already causes me. I can easily be the life of the party or border anti-social. I am aloof in new settings, but kind and compassionate once I know and feel good about you.

The more I write this little piece, the more of a narcissist I appear to be. On the one hand. I have seen lots of doctors and that has never come up with that thought, so I don’t think that is it honestly.  I think I like myself. We should all like ourselves, right? Self-love although very different is also very important. I believe my intentionality to seek out looks, and ways of being that are truly authentic to me are what make me stand a little to the left of everyone else.  I don’t want to be any part of any ‘herd’ whatsoever. The big group thing, not for me. I prefer smaller tighter groups of friends, and one or two really best friends.

I am usually happy with myself in terms of my style when I decide to put in the effort and be true. Lots or most of the times for school, I go as a complete bum in jeans and a tee-shirt. However, I make sure even my tee-shirts are different. I am never going to be a walking advertisement for any company besides maybe big fashion hauses like Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, and possibly Diesel.

I like nice things, and I have nice things. Going on 40, I have been collecting nice things for 20 years now. I have the old expensive Calvin Klein t-shirts I still wear from 18 years ago. I take very good care of my things, as well as myself. I am a product whore, have been for twenty years, and use only the best skin products. I don’t get my skin care products at stores, I go right to dermatologists with medi-spas. I might sound like a snob, but I am not at all. I have always had more than what I needed monetarily and I even today live off way less than I am budgeted for…..I am not just a consumer of things. I like what I like, and sometimes something new comes out and I get it, but because I have been buying slowly high end everything since my twenties, I don’t need to always be replacing things.  My home style and décor is rather timeless and eclectic. I pride myself on going without something, because I don’t want to spend the money, rather than buy a knock off of something cheaper.

So why all this talk and prose about a  nobody like me? How about for starters you look at yourself and see if you could write your own definitive piece on you, your style, and persona? Most people can’t. They are too insecure to be their own person. They follow, on some level. People tell me all the time they are not followers, and within two minutes I can have them see that they don’t march to the beat of there own drum. Does everyone need to be different? No, but being at the very least a complete individual is surely important. Does everyone need to invent themselves, or figure out a new style, because in reading this you realize that none of YOU shines through? No, but if you want to you should do it at whatever speed or pace you are comfortable with. Being authentic is one of our purposes here on this earth. Being authentic means being ‘true’ to who you are and what you are, and your values and seeing how closely you live to them. It is a challenge, and it is our responsibility to do justice to our individuality


If you are so far away from this, that is okay. Take a baby step. Think about only you. Don’t let anyone else enter into your mind, and think about one thing you like, are, or want to be. Start small, very small if you need to, and work your way up.

I write this because although I could write all that crap about me, I feel lost in this world. I know who I am, in my very small sphere, but in relationship to the large world, I am not so sure. I write this because I see, I know, I love so many people who are lost. I say take a step towards finding your authentic self. Nothing could be more freeing.



Don’t Be Easy….

Today I was reading one of my favorite bloggers James Altucher, who was a financial trader of many sorts and a gifted writer.  Altucher has published many books, made millions, lost millions, and made it all back again.  His blog and podcasts are on  I was reading a particular story about how he was due to give a presentation to Microsoft and made the off-handed comment, “This will be easy.” The person who heard him said, “Don’t make yourself easy.”

I think this is poignant advice for anyone who is an over-achiever, a kick-starter, self-propelled individual.  Sometimes we stretch ourselves to thin, say ‘yes’ to too many projects, and end up selling ourselves short.  If we are to give of ourselves in any authentic capacity, we should not make ourselves easy.

I find myself in this moment in the midst of a mini-crisis of sorts, as I have too much time available. However, not nearly enough time and good space to accomplish my ever-growing list of ideas and projects I keep coming up with for myself.  I am a victim of my own self-esteem…I have the key and lots of times I imprison myself with being a servant to my own mind. I have traversed off the beaten trail temporarily, and I find myself trying to reinvent myself to accomplish something that brings me gratification.  For me, it is about the idea, which pushes me to higher levels of production of all sorts of self-fulfilling accomplishments and achievements.

Hey so I broke some bones, need major surgeries, what a great time to overwhelm myself with goals I demand of myself to meet at a level worthy of the distinction I so desperately seek. God, I sound pathetic, and no wonder I love school. Doing the hours of work, and relishing the final grade for approximately 30-45 seconds.  I had a therapist say to me, “Corey, you are too smart for this reward system you are so defined by daily.  Think about the hours of ‘work’ you engage in to hopefully receive the ultimate grades or approval you desire.  Your reward is no longer than 45 seconds. Do the math.”  I did the math and I am still a monkey in my own circus.

Now that I am not in classes, I find myself getting up even earlier than before, because the to-do list I created on that dreadful app Wunderlist, grows by the hour.  I am driven to accomplish, and no I am not happy with just any mass production, it must be on its way to stellar for me to relax.  So this morning during the maniac’s hour of 2:30 am, I didn’t know whether to read my books I have listed to plow through, work on my new blog dedicated to my anorexia, or to keep up with all my social networking sites. I literally went from book, to internet, to writing, and couldn’t for the life of me get settled into one task.

I admit…I am petrified of being failure porn…..



#ProudToBe- YOUTUBE Video Reactions Make it Most Hated VIDEO in History


This is a new video called #ProudToBe on gender identities. It is a cutting edge campaign that YouTube has sponsored. As you will watch it depicts all sorts of gender identities that are currently used, accepted, and are true of people in the US and all around the world.

The video highlights some of YOUTUBE’s biggest vbloggers. It is with great sadness, disappointment, and anger that I say it is the most vehemently hated video in YOUTUBE history. In less than 12 hours the comments section had to be removed and closed because it was too hateful and too painful for so many people who don’t live binary (people who don’t consider there to be only two genders: female and male).

We have been unsuccessful dealing lately with the transgendered population and their basic rights and freedoms which they are not receiving. There is a complete lack of equality for all Americans in regards to race, gender orientation, sexual orientation, and the disabled. All of these groups are discriminated against in our country. In the same country where we are so proud to hang our American Flags this week for the upcoming Fourth of July, our day of  Independence.

As we have come to see with the recent beatings and murders of transgendered people as well as the bloodiest massacre  in our country’s history at the LGBTQIA club Pulse in Orlando, Florida which killed 49 people and severely injured another 53, there are people and groups of religious factions that praised the killings of innocent people at Pulse because they choose to love differently. No one has come forward in the news and talked about Transgendered people doing anything wrong to anyone including children in public restrooms or anywhere else. Hate is festering in our country like an insidious disease. Preachers are seen on the TV lauding the Pulse murders as God’s treatment of sinners, and others are just too happy that ‘finally the freaks got shot.”

I needn’t say much more. One of the comments made on the video said there are three genders: female, male, and the mentally ill. Yes in 2016 we are taking giant steps in the wrong direction towards equality and safety for all. Transgendered people are beaten and killed brutally all the time in our country and all over the world. Gay people are getting brutally beat up and no one feels or is safe, when the US Senate has 53 senators that refused to pass a bill that would have made the semi-automatic gun used in the Pulse shootings illegal to buy by anybody. I am not here to talk about gun control, but there is no reason in this world an individual not in the military or police force needs a gun that can blow away 49 lives in a minute or two.

I ask you all to watch this video #ProudToBe because you might just start to think twice about where this country is headed. It is very ugly and a disgrace to our own humanity. All of these people are INNOCENT. They have done nothing wrong and pose no threats to anyone in our society. So there is a lot of pride for hatred biased actions in our country today. I don’t want to even know what tomorrow might bring in the way of more hatred and bigotry.



How Brexit Affects Our Elections in the United States

“Social researchers know that identity with a group is normally stronger when one has a sense of having a voice within that group,” says psychologist Fabio Sani of Scotland’s University of Dundee.

The recent actions of BREXT should signal a big warning sign to the citizens of the United States. Despite what Trump has done or said outrageously there are plenty of voices who believe it takes a man like Trump for them to be heard.  No matter what Hillary Clinton does, she can’t escape her past and history which until late probably helped her. Now Americans saw what nobody saw coming with the UK leaving the EU. Cameron played it wrong from the start and didn’t believe his own people.

Mr. Trump offers a lot for those sympathizers of Brexit. Starting with immigration and Trump’s plans to build a great big wall around our country. He has brought the current state of xenophobia in our country to never seen heights before in the last almost 60 years.

“There’s a very legitimate reason to be concerned about immigration,” says psychologist Drew Westen of Emory University. “Unfortunately ISIS has given would-be fence-sitters the permission to vote out of some combination of conscious or unconscious prejudice or bias.” In the United States it isn’t only Muslims it is our problem with illegal immigrants. President Obama was dealt a big setback when last week the Supreme Court failed to uphold his executive order 4-4 because of the Republicans we are missing a justice. This put a serious blow into President Obama’s plans.

After watching the citizens of UK talk about leaving the EU, I now see the appeal to a certain type of American who feels neglected and not heard to be saved by Donald Trump. Agree or don’t agree there are  a lot of people who will be voting on Trump just because they have lost all hope in the current system. Trump represents a shake up from the norm. What is interesting I was reading on the feed for WordPress that Google states searches by Brits looking to leave the country are way up. I myself found out today what it is going to take for me to move to France. There are seven steps I need a one year travel visa to start the process. I promise you I will be making this all a priority this week.

I guess I was far removed from the folks who felt forgotten or not heard. Some of what they want is so foreign to me I don’t feel we all live in the same country.  I am working on the HRC campaign but I don’t know of anything the democrats can do to stop the Brexit movement momentum. Scotland will surely follow, it is predicted.

I feel shell-shocked like the markets did on Friday. The people of the UK spoke. I seriously see another revolution like that here in November on the 8th with Trump.



Taking Your Me Time

I know we are such individuals so when it comes to taking time for yourself there is going to be a broad spectrum. For me I am at the extreme end of needing to carve my ‘me time’ every single day before I do anything else.

I know of a lot of people whose lives are just composed in such a way that “me time” doesn’t often or sometimes never occurs. Then there is the significance of ‘me time.’ Some folks feel like they will die without it, others well they don’t even need it They are just fine with the way life is.

For me I have always craved moments, long stretches of solitude. I have set up my life in such a way to ensure I get my ‘me time’ in ever early morning when I wake up at the maniac’s hour. Part of that is pure mania. But I am never lonely those hours I am awake and alone and busy working on either schoolwork, campaign work, or writing for one of my blogs. I have a major best four-legged friend which for me means I am never alone and usually I have my girl Stephanie asleep in my bed upstairs. However Julia Bleu and I share my “me time” and it works. I take her over initially with me to the store to get my coffee drink I desperately need. That is the full extent of our interaction and also mine with a  real person during the 5 to 6 hours of ‘me time ‘ I have curved out of my daily routine. Yes I forgo sleep. However with the mania, it I don’t think it is a big stretch. Some of you are probably thinking 5-6 hours a day of ‘me time’ is a lot or truly excessive.  I have a problem. When you think my day is spent awake for 20-22 hours that is 16 percent of my day, where I am truly getting work done and being productive it is just a time I am working when I only prefer the company of my dog Julia Bleu. She curls up on my lap and buries herself right down deep in my lap as I sit at the computer typing or reading away.

I know my life is very different because I don’t need to work and don’t get up for a traditional job 5 or 6 days a week. When I was a trader, I worked 7 days a week, 16 hours Monday through Friday at least 10 hours one weekend day the other maybe 5.  So what do people do with their ‘me time’ and do some of you share it with loved ones and do something you consider ‘me time?’ I do have this notion that ‘me time’ is spent alone pursuing your individualistic pursuits. Maybe I have a narrow definition? I bet some of you consider working out your own ‘me time.’ You are spending time doing something that is good for yourself and you are making it a priority. For me not so, working out is a priority but not ‘me time.’ I am seeing and feeling a lot about myself as I write this. Thinking I might need to re-evaluate myself. But my ‘me time’ is spent doing school work or writing, both of which I guess on how you view it, is ‘me time’ or isn’t it because I am not doing something like just fooling around with computer games, or reading a book.

However we define ‘me time,’ It is a parcel of time that I strongly believe every person needs. I know I am not all based in hard-core life reality so maybe my expectations or recommendations miss the mark. How could I simply understand the pressures of time that people are subjected to on a daily basis, and unlike me can’t afford to give yourself more time by forgoing much needed healthy sleep.

Time it is an interesting concept. I think we don’t think enough about the constructs of time. There are many, and I suppose a person like myself with a self-induced to do list a mile long daily. sees time in a whole other stratosphere. I never think time moves slowly. Is that a figment of my over active brain? I can be at the most boring music recital and two hours just flies by. I think I might have stumbled upon something. I think it is my intense focus that is truly epic in its own right. No matter what I am doing, I am totally engrossed to a fault where I tune everything else out and get swept away in even the mundane.

I feel like the kid always playing a revered game of some sort and an adult calling time’s up! That exact feeling evoked with the time’s up happens to me multiple times in a day.  I am never bored how about the rest of you? Are you ever bored or not enthused about what you are doing? I am reminded a something I learned as a novice as a Buddhist: Always find the sacred in the ordinary. It is something I definitely live by in my everyday life. I do not mind doing chores for that very reason, I really concentrate and focus on what I am doing, even if it is vacuuming. I take all that I do and make it ridiculously high stakes for myself.

So as a person who we have fettered out rather easily in this prose, takes my ‘me time’ very seriously and needs it, I am not okay if I don’t get it. Like this morning it was a rare occasion but when I got up at one am I was still feeling tired. I put on the computer and realized this wasn’t going to work. I went back to bed, and then this morning was unusual because I had to be in another location for 8 am, something that never happens. So I got up at five did not get my coffee, did not blog, or do any work, and now it is almost noon and I am finishing up my first blog of the day. Maybe I feel a slight version of what most feel every single day. I am still trying to cram it all in, except the coffee. I missed out today completely on coffee. Wow not the way to go about things. Perhaps rejoining the real world would not be such a bad idea?  My last feelings on ‘me time’ is try to make some no matter how small or how infrequent. Try spending some time alone. I think and believe it is beneficial on many levels but you can only manage what you can do and of course our priorities are all very different.

Lastly time affects me, more on a year to year basis. I find each year goes faster than the previous one and I am not sure if most people agree with that as their own experience. For me I am in the throes of the real world right this minute. My to do list is very tall, and I dare say I own beautiful watches which I would never wear and ruin my day unnecessarily keeping time. However I can’t escape the clock on my computer:

6 minutes till noontime. I must get this sent out and wait for tomorrow for my life to return to normal.



Our Summer of Endless Love and it’s Summer Solstice

I have been divorced 3 years separated for 4. In that time I have had a lot of up and downs and even times when I oscillated. Those were not the best of times losing my beloved wife over not being a good spouse.

Oh I tried to be a good spouse,  I tried to be a great spouse. I just had no idea what entailed neither marriage or being a good spouse. I loved my wife like none other, she was my very best friend, I was always faithful never a doubt.

I lost what I thought was the best thing that ever happened to me. I went to therapy to learn about everything a healthy marriage entails. Wow was I really off base, guess that might happen when you get married and you have never been in a reciprocating long term committed relationship.

Then something different happened to me over a little of two years. I met this friend, of other friends. Her name was Stephanie and I thought she was great. We started doing things just the two of us, short of the story we became inseparable best friends. I never thought Stephanie would like me so I was always trying to hook her up with what I thought were nice guys. I was dating women and having fun, but no one was a smudge close to marriage material for me. Stephanie and I remained close friends we were always getting together just the two of us. We got along so very well, we laughed all the time, we loved  to do the same things. Stephanie never dated anybody while we were best friends these last two years. Obviously it was not the same for me, I probably should have respected myself a little bit more like Stephanie.

The thing about her and me is we just fit together like a hand and glove. We continued to get closer and closer and have lots of platonic sleepovers, I refused to acknowledge how beautiful Stephanie was and with intelligence she was more than the special of the day.

When I fell ill with  anorexia, that is when Stephanie and I became our own version of a “we” She was the only one I let see me in the hospital with a feeding tube. Then when I was home, Stephanie just stayed over and hung out every night with me.

Our friends started talking that Stephanie liked me. I refused to see or hear any of it, I didn’t want to ever lose my best friend, my rock, and my partner in crime. As time went on I did begin to realize there was more than friendship for both Stephanie and me.

It has been the last three months, that we admitted our true feelings for one another. Nothing changed she stills stays over every night.  Yes we are completely platonic although we do snuggle like friends in the bed. Finally these last two weeks have changed us, we started talking about us like two grown ups. Never in a million years would I ever think I could have Stephanie. We have talked about every little thing and even went away to NYC this past weekend. I know for me that this weekend I accepted Stephanie has the only girl for me. She had decided that about me a long time ago. We stayed platonic but got closer this weekend as we did the club scene.

We have come back and it is a whole new story. We are taking our time to start being romantic and we are committed to our Summer of Love. Corny as is sounds. Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream is our song. We live  close to the beach and today is the first day of summer. So that means officially today Corey and Stephanie are a couple who plan to get married after we enjoy an endless summer.

So I must finish up writing, tonight is Summer Solstice. We’re going to the beach as a couple.We have waited for today for a very long time, and I never thought I would ever meet someone as stellar as Stephanie. Without a doubt we love each other very much. Tonight is our first date that will never end we say to one another. Summer is here I have the girl of my dreams. We are completely dedicated to the Summer of Love. We are planning a very special weekend, to go away and embark on our physical relationship. We both agree we waited this long we are going to plan the perfect weekend.

So summer is here today and I am no longer single in this world. You would be hard pressed to find two more happier people. We both feel so blessed to have found one another. Let the skies get dark, so I can hold her hand, and walk on the beach I never thought we would let ourselves go here.

Here’s to forever love and the enjoyment of the Endless Summer.



Kick the Bucket List

Everyone or most people at some point talk about their proverbial bucket list. I think the bucket list is a really bad idea.

I am probably only one of  a few people who believe this. Why do I believe it? Well for starters you put off doing things to alter your life, deny yourself of  new experiences to a later point in time.-If you really even do it!

People rely on their bucket lists to make up for the things they are not doing now in their lives.

People who are younger say from school age through college could benefit from an early bucket list as a starting point for the rest of their lives.

Some people think they are impressive with their bucket lists.

I find people who “do” without a lot of hoop-la and attention seeking are far more impressive.

I feel bucket lists are made out of necessity for what you are not doing and probably won’t ever do in your life.

People who announce that they are removing an item from their bucket lists are obnoxious and attention seeking.  Maybe even show-offs.

What  a fucking turn off.

I am happy for you, if your life works having a tiny list of to-do things that bring actual LIFE and true experience into your life.

I don’t have a bucket list.

It would be endless.

There would be no beginning or end.

I live my everyday life like it was a bucket list.

My tombstone shall read: While alive Corey LIVED.

Think about it.

Ditch the freaking list.

Live everyday on the wild side.

Make a new mad epic experience every single day.

Can’t do it?

You are not really living life to your optimum.

Your entire life should be a bucket list.

Think about that for  a second.

If you found the sacred in the ordinary, every day would be a tiny part of your life’s bucket list.

Priceless. With meaning and no EXCUSES OR EXCEPTIONS.

Remember there are no real rules.

Only societal ills to hold you back to define yourself by a tiny bucket list.