Une Source D’Anxiété

I am as I breath a source of anxiety for those who love me or care for me very much.

It starts with the mania that keeps going all the time, and just get enough sleep for a few hours, to the anorexia which has been an over two year ordeal. Then now we have the broken bones that is 5 since April….but who is counting.

I am not happy that even without the anorexia and fractured bones my persona leaves people who love me worried about me in all sorts of ways. Like how can I go with so little sleep to not eating right or caring for myself. The worst was after I got divorced and I was left to my own demise and nobody could tell me what to do or how to do it. I wish I could appease those that truly love me, as I realize from every angle I am a handle full to take care of or just worry about. I am  a lot of hurricane with a bit of sunshine. Today my ex-wife needed me to call the alarm company and end my contract since we have been divorced for four years and I haven’t even lived in the house since we separated. The alarm company wouldn’t deal with my ex-wife only wanted to deal with me and she is calling me in the middle  of my work day to get on the phone on a three-way call they didn’t know about and set their asses on fire and get the contract ended without having to pay a termination fee. My ex-wife knew she was asking a lot of me because I have the same alarm company and I am not canceling my service nor do I want any trouble. I took 45 minutes out of my busy morning because when my ex-wife can get a hold of me she has like 50 things for me to do or help out with. I wanted to talk about Bella who is in trouble for throwing out a credit card with a 100,000 credit limit and no balance. I am not happy that Bella is in trouble for the lost card, my ex-wife sent her into the store with it, and should have gotten right back from Bella. But she didn’t and we have the credit card and the alarm company and my ex-wife is just stressed out. I don’t sweat the small stuff-and I don’t want Bella home all week and not with me because my ex-wife wants to teach responsibility-not the way to do it. You might be wondering why a card with a limit so high but my ex-wife takes lots of business trips and travels a lot besides that and everything gets charged to that card, so 100,000 limit is not too bad I carry black Amex without a credit limit-now that is dangerous for sure but I never want to be somewhere I can’t buy what I want or go where I want to go when I want to go which is always last minute and costs a fortune. I don’t like to make plans in advance for a number of reasons.

Anyway, I got my ex-wife’s alarm system taken care of and found in my bag from the weekend her purse (she doesn’t usually carry cash) but I found in my knapsack a leather purse with 1200 dollars in it-I didn’t know if someone dropped it in my bag by accident as we had a very busy weekend and were all over the place. I wondered if it was Bella’s but with 1200 dollars I was pretty sure it wasn’t her’s so Stephanie said call Camie (my ex-wife) and yep it was her’s , she started to cry as she felt she wasn’t doing a good job with her money and credit cards. Then she cried because I was so honest-I said give me a break honestly like you think I would keep your money? She said no but you were honest enough to check with me I didn’t even know it was missing. I said if it wasn’t her’s I would have called the places where we had been throughout the weekend and told them I found a purse with 1200 dollars and seen if a person was looking for it and could describe the very intricate purse to me. I would never keep someone’s money that wasn’t mine-although I have been ripped off even by supposed friends so many times-now my wallet doesn’t leave me and I don’t let anybody just take it to go buy something-I will give them the cash or a card and be very specific about the purchases. I can’t tell you how many times I have been  burned. It hurts when you not real friends take advantage of your generosity. Real friends never do-they almost don’t let you ever pay for them or take everyone out for the night or an overnight like I like to do with my close friends-I know many of them don’t have the cash I do so I am always willing to pick up the bill even when it’s crazy I am so very good with my money-I am way behind on my retirement withdrawals and I have partly my ex-wife to thank I didn’t need all my money I was allocated and still don’t I guess I was over cautious when building my budget for my retirement.

I wish I could pay for someone to take care of me so my loved ones don’t worry but that will never happen it is the way it works in my life. I may not have my optimum health but I have abundance in every other way. Stephanie is the least of my worriers thankfully and she knows me the best since getting sick with anorexia. She takes a lot in stride and also knows a nervous Nelly in my immediate life is not going to fly my loved ones if they don’t have some tolerance need to get it with me-my ex-wife didn’t have it and it nearly killed her then she took a deep a breath and everything was pretty much okay. The only thing outside my anorexia is the mania and the issue with sleep. I have gone over 80 hours without a wink of sleep and I get very sick and need to be hospitalized until they can get me back on the right pattern of sleep. Usually takes a good two weeks in the hospital for that to happen. I haven’t been in the hospital for sleep since April 2014. I have had hard times that I was able to turn around without a full blown mania attack, I am getting much better at controlling my sleep when it gets difficult. I don’t let it get far away from me.

I just want to get through these broken bones and anorexia once and for all, and then I think people will or should be able to relax about me-it wont happen with the likes of Stephanie or my ex-wife but everyone should really take a deep breath.

I don’t want anything to happen to either Stephanie or my ex-wife, but I want to be there for them when and if the need every arises-I owe so much to these two amazing women. M ex-wife would not let me take care of her-I have to accept she is truly flying solo it is her choice. She has always told me she would never date, but I asked her the other day after Bella goes off to college would you consider dating and she says no way! I have to respect we are different and want different things I guess sometimes I get said when I think of her being all alone. Plus my part in our demise, she wouldn’t have been alone if I didn’t fail at marriage. Now she won’t ever let anybody else in. I feel responsible to a certain degree for that but I can’t change her lived reality.

I can only hope that the anxiety I cause my loved ones about my health is resolved with my getting to recovery with anorexia and getting to well with my injuries and other fall out from the anorexia. My health from the mania is what it is and basically requires understanding that I sleep a lot less and have in the past required hospitalization for my lack of sleep that is required to meet the health standards set by the American Medical Association. I really hope I will not see another hospitalization for lack of sleep I think with these two years down and sleep disturbances that I managed I can continue to just be an early riser who manages periods of sleep disturbances to the best of my ability.  I should also say that those who love me are always concerned about my weight this has been with anorexia and without. I am a slight person and even when I was thirty pounds heavier at a normal healthy weight people took issue in my slightness. I hope to work on that once I am healed from the injuries and my anorexia is back in recovery. I think getting some muscle and a bit of bulk would make people closest to me not worry as much.

I am deeply saddened by the worry I have caused my loved ones and I am trying my hardest to get to well and I am heading to John Hopkins for my anorexia so my metabolism can be figured out and a new dietary plan put together that with the help of my Radical Will team I am able to get to well and a goal weight that I am comfortable at so are those in my immediate life. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the love and concern of my loved ones. I am so grateful and so sorry for this unnecessary journey.



Walden Real Stay part 2

I loathed myself in those minutes that turned to hours then to days, and finally weeks.  I couldn’t bare to look at the ugly creature I had become, how was not able  to recognize myself from my enemy the mirror.. My heart hurt, I was scared of really dying, and all this was pent up inside, just boiling venom in my veins.  How did this happen? I couldn’t remember getting to this point. My life, myself, everything I cared and loved had been left to be uncared for by me, and my twisted mind filled with control, but not an ounce of gratitude or respect for the beautiful body and face I once had; that was me, Corey.

I got to the waiting room and just slumped in a chair. I waiting for whomever to come just drag me to the unit. I knew I was going to get the feeding tube right away, and that would be miserable. However I felt all the pain I felt emotionally and  physically, as well as all the pain to come was definitely due to come my way. I sat there for probably twenty minutes and finally a nurse came out to help me. I didn’t need to get weighed in, or registered, they were waiting for me upstairs.  We made our winding way through the maze of the building up to the unit.  “Welcome to Walden” it read on the door.  The nurse pushed open the door, and because I was so weak, I barely made it in by the close of the door, the nurse told me to step it up, and I stepped it up to the nurse’s station.  Jane the medical director, was  waiting right there.

“How are you, Corey?” Jane smiled and asked.  “Oh I have been better.”  “Ok we got your room already, so lets go drop your bags off, and then have a chat in my office.” We made our way to my bedroom and I just dropped all my things on the floor. I was too tired for anything more.  “Ok,” said Jane “Let’s head down to my office for a couple of minutes before we get the ball rolling.”  “Get the ball rolling what do you mean, I am here isn’t that enough?” I annoyingly replied.

“Come on in, Corey, and take a seat wherever you want.  Now we are so happy to have you back, with your commitment to follow compliance.  We are getting a feeding tube  placed in just a minute. However there have been a couple changes. Your last labs here, showed your blood sugar very low, when we had your blood taken very early in the morning. “Is that alright? I interrupted. “Well no, you level was dangerous slow, and because you have such a high metabolism, they food and all that you get from the feeding tube, is not adequate.  We are going to get you up everyday like we normally do, for blood pressure and weights, then you are going to eat your first breakfast.” I said with a bit of panic, “Eat my first breakfast by myself and without anybody else there?” “Yes, your body cant wait until 8 am to eat the breakfast with everyone else.  So you get to pick out now what you want for breakfast, use this sheet to guide your choices.  It will be ready every morning for you in the community room.”

I took a look at the sheet, and say where I had to pick from certain categories.  I picked oatmeal, with maple syrup, and apple  juice for my special meal.  “I wont have to eat as much as at regular breakfast, right?”  ‘No Corey you still have to eat your regular sheet of food requirements.  These are just being added.” “So let me get this straight, you just got me back, and you are strapping me with more food?’ I continued as I  was pissed, “That is one of the problems with this facility, the punitive nature of the health care treatment.  I don’t need to tell you, you are not efficacious.  I have talked to people who have been here like twenty times.  This doesn’t work, it puts a Band-Aid on a large, gapping cut. I will let you know, I will be complaint, but I am not a fool, these dynamics they need to change. There is no therapeutic alliance between the medical team and the patient.”

Jane looked at me with a different look, “Corey so when did you become aware of a theurpeutic alliance between the medical team and the patient.” “I know about it, and since I am getting treating for anorexia, I have done my homework.” “I caution you to becareful, with what you have read in the books. We are a world class institution, and have a very satisfactory reputation.”  “Listen Jane, the facts are the facts, the efficacy rates are less then 10 percent.  I promise you I am going to get through this, but you will not see me ever again, I  am not a lifer like the rest of them.”  “Ok Corey lets get your feeding tube in place.”

We left Jane’s office, and I followed two nurse’s to a procedure room.  I was so tired and exhausted, I couldn’t even worry about the feeding tube or anything else.  I just needed to go lay down. “Ok Corey, lay yourself back down…….”  Before I knew it I was again humiliated, but this time I wasn’t going to fight it.  There weren’t any other options, unless I travelled far away, from my house to the Midwest, and I didn’t want to do that.  I made my way to my bedroom, some of the patients were still the same, it wasn’t very comforting to me in the least.  I flopped on my bed, and hurt myself, the mattress was like an inch thick. I got out my journal and thought what to write. The tears well up, and ending up in a constant stream, as I didn’t know if this was the beginning of my new life, or my life as I forever know it now.  I cried, my pain was so deep, it took my breath away.  I longed to be home with my family and friends. I feared the worst; I had entered a pact, of the never ending treatment stays at Walden.