U-ME Helping Hand

Today has been one hard day for this poet who suffers from Mania Madness.

It is my day after surgery and Stephanie took the day off as well as tomorrow. I have been in harsh pain today coupled with the crossroads of Mania Madness rising above the flood levels. Stephanie asked me one thing today: Please do not shut her out she loves me more with every passing day and feels in trying to protect her I am pushing her away.

Of course I promised so I have been in new an unchartered lands today.

My leg is in shear bone searing pain, as bones rub up against bones, and my Mania Madness is out of control and needs to be dealt with. I pray for three hours of sleep tonight before I see my primary care doctor for a follow up exam tomorrow.

Stephanie and I had sort of a mixed day. We are great and totally enjoying one another but we got word that a couple of friends of ours through how we met who are married, were pregnant and lost their second baby at 14 weeks. This is after the saddest loss ever of their unborn 6 month old baby a little over a year ago.

I am close to Adam, one of my best friend’s, and Stephanie and Adam’s wife Sarah go back to undergraduate school and are very close. Sarah has had to be admitted for the second time to a psych ward for losing a baby, and I told Stephanie to please go see Sarah today as I might be in pain, but it is nothing like what Sarah is going through. I have another friend who I pray is okay but shows signs of miscarrying at 10 weeks and my prayers and thoughts are with her and her boyfriend and family.

Stephanie and I feel so fortunate that we are where we are, and that we are able to be there as needed for our friends

. Stephanie is making het way home now and I have missed her greatly this afternoon.

Very excited to see her tonight. Even with the Mania Madness we still find ways to have a great time and now as my birthday is less than 2 weeks away we are making plans with people and ourselves to celebrate my big 4-0.

I am scared to death right now of being hospitalized and don’t know if I can hold it together and get some sleep tonight. If I got like three hours I might feel like I have a shot of pulling this off. I have been distracting on multiple levels today. My mind and racing thoughts and gremlins that just keep multiplying and my pain in my leg that was operated on yesterday!

I have taken the pain pills as prescribed and find myself almost unable to put any pressure down on that leg. My mind is racing and filled with idea and thoughts and I actually found myself chatting up a friend on Facebook who is in Australia. She is a beautiful person and I am so fortunate to have connected with her.

Tonight we are having pot roast and fixings and maybe some things from the Farmer’s Market going on up the street this afternoon. Stephanie just texted and she is there which is right up the street and then she is going to get my lucky Powerball ticket for tonight’s drawing.

We are happy to have tonight and tomorrow together and hopefully I can make it with my parents to Bella’s away volleyball game.

I must get through tonight first, which will be so good to have Stephanie home and have someone to talk to instead of all these conversations I am having with myself. Stephanie is really okay with this Mania Madness, she went as far as to call it endearing. Not so sure where that is coming from.

First, I will finish up this post, I did my long overdue anorexia post published and I turned around its direction and I think I have some really raw writing to do. I published a post on SCATTERED  today, and this will probably end my posts for tonight although I feel like I have so much more to say.

Tonight even though we aren’t done with Braindead we are going to find a new series to watch together. No baths possible with the surgically repaired leg or showers until tomorrow.

So we will have to get creative and come up with something new and different.

My biggest thought is sleep tonight at least three hours. I got to get it and start turning around this Madness. I know I don’t do a great job of explaining a high-speed Acela train roaring through my body and a quad micro-processor lodged in my brain going seamlessly from one task to the next without nary a hic-up.

That is what it feels like for starters. Then put on the emergency brake on the high-speed train and give it the gas. Yeah that is more like it. Combustion feels like it is always right around the corner.

I really want to tell myself I got this as well as you my reader, but I have my major doubts and worries. Having a primary care appointment tomorrow is really not good for me honestly.

I am now trying to wrap this up as Stephanie is home and gave me a great U-ME kiss and went off to the kitchen to get dinner started.

I am going to start my next anorexia post and keep moving and try to distract myself from the pain in my leg and the abundance of energy everywhere else in me.

I hope everyone had a great day, it is day one post surgery number 1 and hopefully a memorable night because I am spending it with my beloved and two I am going to get the sleep to give me confidence to get through to the other side of this Madness.

Peace Out!