Never Again-Unsteady Recovery June 9, 2016

I have been chronicling my journey with the insidious anorexia I got sick with over two years ago, and had a much slighter bout in 2007-2008. I am writing my story as part of my blog, I am up to like a year ago at Christmas. Every now and then I have to blog about the me and now and where I am and where I am not with this illness.

Where I am now is between a possible upturn in my recovery or sliding down the slippery slope to get to a more twistedly more comfortable weight for my mind and my psyche. I wrote about 10 days ago that I had gained about 8 pounds. It was such a big deal as I crested 100 pounds. I even took my first selfie for Facebook in over two years. It was a momentous time, but is always the case there were mixed emotions.

I had grown out of my smallest kids clothes, and that was all healthy and good, right? Sure if you are of a healthy mind, but for me I met it with complicated feelings that triggered a set back I am battling right now. It is why I write about today, because I am in need of what I don’t know, but something from holding me back from losing a quick 6 pounds. I believe I just put on the weight too fast, and I need a more measured gaining approach.

I see the bullshit as I write it, and realize hey another excuse, from ultimately reaching recovery. For when I reach recovery, and I maintain my goal weight I can never slip back to this chaos and destructive behaviors. My thoughts about food are healthier than they were. I think about eating, and I do eat, and sometimes I look forward to a certain food. My problem is the numbers, 100 percent. It starts with the scale, and comes around to the size of my clothes. I am obsessed with being slight, when my entire life I was happy with slender.

Right now, I have to be honest, I bought some really good efficacious diet pills that will drop 15-20 pounds off me, and put me right back to square one, but in those tiny, tiny jeans, I never thought I could wear. I haven’t opened the diet pills and I remain rather reluctant to take them, because I don’t trust to just use them to lose 6 pounds. I worry deeply it would send me into relapse, and I and my loved ones, need me to get better. This has taken a toll on everybody. I still am not near where I ought to be.

So I write out to the Universe right now, and I pray for help. I pray to be honest, and not go deep inside myself, where I am and get so content to live my life as an anorexic. As long as my health is not in imminent danger, what the fuck am I saying? I have anorexia my life IS in imminent danger, no matter whether I develop acute symptoms or not.

So what shall it be today? I feel in all honesty I must just take my recovery, moment to moment at this time. If I do that, I might be okay, although I have no clue how I am going to proceed with weight restoration and recovery. Right now, I am trying to hold on to a gain that was significant. It put my at 100 pounds and showed people I love, I could get a little better, as they haven’t had much hope in me.

Everyone is burnt out, including myself to a point. I got sick on a much smaller scale, in 2007-2008. Everyone thought that was really bad. Wow, this time they about croaked. I had no idea I could get so small. I know one thing and I know it very well. Once my medical team and I, figure out how to get me to stable recovery, I can NEVER get sick with anorexia again. For starters my body won’t make it. Secondly, I would give up hope. For now I don’t see or feel like a lifer, although this time has gone on too long. A third time, and another trip to Walden and I wont even be able to convince myself of another recovery.

Right now I am in such a critical position, I either move forward to recovery or slip back even just six pounds and give up my life to this disease.