The Show Must Go On-Tomorrow’s Test on the Treadmill

Since I have gotten home and had time on my hands, to think about a new blog I am starting, I can’t get my leg out my mind-it’s not okay honestly, and I don’t have to wait until May 20th to see the surgeon to tell me so. My leg was much better in fact, I was able to do more before the surgery.  I explained to the doctor how important it was for me to be able to run with my daughter.

So tomorrow with a trainer, I will lace up my Mizunos and get on the treadmill at the lowest speed-hoping to get to a very slight jog, at level 4 or 5 I think it should work, and if I can do it, 5 minutes at the max, and then bring it on back down to zero.  I would give just about anything to have this test go without incident. My doctors would kill me if they knew about it.  However I need to know what I am dealing with in terms of further of treatments or procedures, or if I have run out to the end of the course, I need to start dealing emotionally because I am not ready in any sense of that story…an ending just like that? No last run, leave it forever on the course? I am not sure how I ended up here. Was it denial, or the passage of time, or was it something about this surgery?

I sit here confusion, sad and angry. To whom and for what reason I do not know but I am sad and I am very angry.  Maybe its anger at the world….I cant fathom a thought of not racing at least for a couple more years. My body is my temple and my machine, and it hurts me to the core, that in some way I have failed it through anorexia, or has my body failed me prematurely?  I think there is a slim chance I will never know.

Tomorrow is something I know I shouldn’t do.  I might do further damage, or worse yet be a lessoned learned with the outcome completely up in the air.  I will do everything to make it safe, and not to do further damage to my body. Should I start to feel the “wrong” pain I will stop the test dead in its tracks. I will do whatever it takes to get back out into a race, but I fear this one might not be in my hands; this one might belong to God.  The anorexia is something I must own, but did I ruin my chance to run? Do I need to give it a good solid year, before I think about another race?

I have to think of my little daughter, who has such high hopes, for her mommy, its so hard to let her down.  Tomorrow I will be already up, because I am getting up to do my writing, so when 8 am comes around, I will get changed and grab my sneakers, say my prayers and hope for the best. There is nothing else I can do.  I have this internal prep-talk going on in my mind. “Corey you can do this, you’re just scared and afraid.  You got this forget that it is Friday the 13th…..