You Kick it or it Kicks You

Yesterday a young mother in her early thirties with three young children died of a heroin overdose. This isn’t truly news worthy as it is a weekly occurrence it seems but she was working hard in recovery so it came as a huge surprise and was devastating to the community.

As a former user of prescription opiates who found myself dependent and went cold turkey off of them I am connected to the heroin community and moreso the heroin anonymous group at our support club.

It appears as I just celebrated three months free and clear of Xanax, Adderall, alcohol and caffeine that my medical detox following my cold turkey opiate withdrawals was a walk in the park compared to these young addicts suffering on the streets with not a lot of places to turn.

I go as a prescription drug addict to a daily meeting at 7:30 am Monday through Friday which is technically an AA meeting but everyone sees it as a drug is a drug. This support group has saved my life and I am reminded today that I was able to get medical intervention and hospitalization, followed by visiting nurses and a massive amount of support group meetings with mentors with many years of sobriety.

My friends on the streets are not as fortunate. Many heroin users start out as opiate users like myself, who liked the pills, then turned to the streets for pills and when the pills got too expensive they turned to the cheapo heroin. Barely nobody makes it back from heroin. I see proof of miracles in the heroin community daily but another senseless death like last night destroys the little progress being made.

I am finally passed the ninety day mark of recovery and no longer battling withdrawals. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy. I was so far from being okay. I couldn’t speak, my entire body shook, my eyes twitched, my arms and my hand shook violently-it was a nightmare and it went on for almost two months. Finally I am back to a better normal and so glad I went through what I did to get through the prescription detox and off the medication.

I am a big proponent of prescription free life and will work everyday to keep my sobriety. I have a foot surgery coming up on July 20, 2K17 and I already have the drugs for pain at my home for the upcoming surgery. I have to take opiates as my foot is getting broken in two places and a piece of bone is being sawed off. I have had for over two weeks prescriptions for OxyContin and oxycodone sitting on my bureau. I wasn’t addicted to them my body grew dependent on them. I have no desire to take them early and my surgeons do not think I have a problem with opiates. My sponsor doesn’t want my to take the OxyContin since it is the closest thing to heroin. Not my gig and I NEED both medications for this severe surgery. I am not nervous about taking them since it is for no more than eight days. I have been referred to a pain clinic and I refuse to go since pain clinics are where addicts are made. This is the very first operation in many operations I have had that I am actually nervous about. Having my foot broken in two places scares me as my bones may be compromised from anorexia and I hope my foot breaks according to plan. I will willingly take anti-anxiety medication once I am at the hospital and let them know I am nervous. I am not asking nor will I take Xanax. I am not that dumb, I know I can NEVER touch Xanax again as I can never go through a medical detox again for Xanax and I know how much I like it and how it stores up in my body in my muscles and it took two months after the medical detox to withdraw from Xanax completely. It was the most horrific experience of my life and how I didn’t turn to alcohol is a damn miracle. It would have been so easy to go to the liquor store and get vodka and take the edge off the withdrawals. I don’t know how I didn’t do it and neither do people in my support groups who really questioned whether I would truly survive my detox. If I told you it was a higher power as I understand it, you would probably laugh, so go on and think I am a rad badass who went through opiate withdrawals and then detoxed off of Xanax, Adderall, and caffeine in a span of twelve weeks.

I see a new psychiatrist now who saw me for the first time two months ago and told me I was violently withdrawing from the Xanax. She put me on a valium regime-a taper of sorts but said I will always need to be on something of some sort. I immediately felt better and she basically saved my life. I was withdrawing from Xanax since March and saw her in May.

I KNOW I am a badass and nobody could do what I did voluntarily. Remember, I didn’t have to come off anything and throw in giving up alcohol with the opiates and I am seriously badass and capable of pretty much anything. It has made an already confident person like myself even more confident. I don’t think there is anything I can’t do or accomplish. My sobriety I wear as a badass badge of honor I will never give up.

I have become addicted with Martin Shkerli, the pharm bro who raised the drug from 13 dollars a pill to 750 dollars a pill. He is under indictment for other reasons other than raising the drug as it is not illegal to raise drug costs in this country. His trial just started and he has plastered himself all over social media and I am fixated on this dude and whether he is as evil as the world thinks he is or if like his 100k followers on YouTube or Facebook think he is a fucking hero. I am spending hours over days watching his videos and I am fascinated by his smugness and his cocksure attitude. Best addiction I could probably have right now.

I miss the good old days of Xanax and Adderall but know I am a healthier and better person being clean from the dope. Alcohol went by the wayside with the support group meetings and I have thought of vaping but I can’t bring myself to do it. Everyone at heroin anonymous vapes. It is like the substitute of choice besides the Suboxone or Methadone they are taking daily.

Thinking what I can do to help other addicts. The heroin community is my peeps and they are dying weekly. I mean every time a person uses heroin they have a 33.3334% chance of dying. Surely this is too high a percentage to right mindedly use this drug of mayhem and death. Compared to AA where people have 40 plus years of sobriety HA people are exceptional with 20 months of not using dope. Most of them started out on opiate pills and I have no idea why I didn’t get a happy feeling taking pain pills and get addicted just like all of them. The typical story goes like this: addict got a prescription for opiates for some real pain, they loved the pills and when their legit scripts ran out they turned to the streets for the pills. Then the pills got too expensive and they fucking turned to heroin because it was cheaper. Why that isn’t my story I don’t know and sometimes I feel guilty. I have my deceased alcoholic dad to thank for my aversion to addiction or dependence. I loathe it for myself and I am scared to death of it. I have always worried about liking something too much and I was heading that way with Xanax. Hence the voluntarily detox. If I wanted to go back on it, there are plenty of doctors who will prescribe it to me. NOT interested.

Nervous about putting opiates in my body again, but I haven’t a choice and I am only taking them for a maximum of 8 days. That is all the surgeon thankfully will prescribe. I will be staying at my parents with Stephanie since they have no stairs to climb and my mom will be handling my opiates once I have the surgery. I know I would never abuse them, I just want to do it the right way and not put myself in a situation where I have my foot broken in two places with screws on the inside and a pin sticking out of my foot and let pain decide for me to take pills early or take more than I am prescribed. I will keep you posted on my surgery journey as this isn’t the last one and my next one is hugely invasive per the surgeon’s opinion which means it is fucking really bad since surgeons never think anything is a big deal.