Maniacal Musings: Panic Time

Just got done at the gym with Bella, and was less than able to get hyper-focused.

I was unable to keep still in any way-my mind is going at its own pace which I can’t keep up with.

Stephanie and I are home with Bella until 4 pm. Stephanie thinks my Mania Madness is not going away and the zone and the calm were an attempt to rejuvenate the Mania Madness. I have taken my last Adderall for the day so a bit out of luck there.

My appetite has disappeared and I am losing weight and the only positive thing that doesn’t have me at the hospital is that I have been able to get some sleep.

Stephanie and I have talked and I haven’t ever experienced anything like this before and what we are thinking is maybe my overall mania is getting worse and more robust.

I pray this is not the case but with the sleep I am getting it appears to be something else than a spell during the fall.

Stephanie and I are going to look up my old neurologist at John Hopkins tonight and I think I need an emergency visit down there for my mania.

Stephanie is being great and very supportive, and I am sure she loves me more today than yesterday so I don’t fear anything bad coming between us-this is the first thing medically we have discussed and worked out together. I like her thoughts and her composure and her belief in me as a really exceptional person. I have started doubting the exceptional qualities I knew I had and Stephanie is here to remind me I am still on queue and still on my game.

For the utter chaos running through my body and my mind I am able to read, and right now I am watching Braindead and blogging all at the same time with a thousand thoughts dancing in the back of my brain, and making my speech labored and pressured if it is comprehensible at all.

I am working on speaking really deliberately and thinking hyper-focused before I utter a word.

So far all has gone well. The true test was my ex-wife she is not aware of my Mania Madness and she has never missed it without a beat. Getting it by her today and keeping everything on track was huge and really makes me think my Mania is #AMPED and might not be a spell of Madness. What then would Madness look like now? I can’t even begin to think of it and which is why I need to get to John Hopkins and the neurologist.

Stephanie is really looking forward to this evening and spending some time talking some of my symptoms and changes in my mania out.

It is panic time as there is no more medication that I can take other than up my Adderall by one more pill which won’t really help much and isn’t going to touch the gremlins or the demons.

I want to deal with this ASAP and need to figure out all the changes and when it happened and if anything lead up to it or was different.

I know I have been under duress for two weeks but always with a little sleep. This makes it different. I am scared and pray I can handle the changes in my body and mind. They have always been manageable with a few sleep derailments.

I am getting used to this new noise in my head and crazy energy in my body. Maybe I am over reacting and need to let my body and mind reacclimatize the increased Chi I have been experiencing.

I know this is panic time on one level, but might be a waste of time on others.

Tonight Stephanie, my soon to be fiancé and I will look into mania as much as we can and try to track down the neurologist I worked with at Hopkins.

I will not pull the panic lever until I cant keep up with myself. Maybe as I approach forty in almost a week its a time for me body to get #AMPED up to a new level that I can manage.I have been managing it for weeks!

I can at least hope, right?