The New Normal-Sleep Eludes Me

Today I start my new physical therapy and occupational therapy regime.

It has been a long time in the making and I finally got the orders and made the appointments for two sessions every Wednesday and Friday. It is a major change in my schedule and is going to take patience on my part to getting there and taking the hospital transportation to every appointment.

I had no idea what to expect today and I made the rookie mistake of calling the office and getting them all worked up. I was unsure of whether they were doing to pick me up, and more nervous that I would miss my appointments and everything would get messed up and off schedule.

Thankfully, I got the van to the hospital and made my appointments and all went well, but this is a huge change in my life with two days a week being dedicated to therapy for the entire morning and not getting home before 12 pm noon.

This is a major switch in my routine, and right now I am looking towards an eight week regime of these therapies. I have only had one surgery out of a needed four, and I am not thrilled about the prospect of cold weather and heading out to multiple appointments, surgeries, and continued rehab.

I hope that my second surgery is soon, and I can get started on rehabbing my body to its fullest capacity as right now I am really like a broke down human, in need of mechanical intervention.

I am struggling today with reality and my body which is so sleep deprived just needs to sleep these ills away. I don’t know whether I have the flu or if it sleep deprivation. Whatever it is my demeanor is not mine, my thoughts are off, and I feel so tired but sleep eludes me, and flu like symptoms invade my body’s orifices. I wish I could just pass out and sleep this away and get the respite I so desperately crave.

I am lost this afternoon, and trying to act like I am okay while in truth I am not, and I am scared of another sleepless night.

I must rest tonight for a bit and get some peace into my soul. I am so uncomfortable with my body’s ills and general feeling of unwellness. I want to cry but there is no tears. I need to sleep and there is no rest. I am in a dark hole of misery and pray for some, any type of relief. I welcome any break in the multiple maladies I am experiencing.

Anxiety runs through my veils and sits like a heavy rock in my chest. I yearn for a deep, solid breath that eludes me and my soul.

I am panicked that I won’t sleep tonight and I will have strung three nights together without rest.

I pray for peace, as I got an hour of sleep in this afternoon. It isn’t much but it is enough to take the edge off. I am dying for real rest and a comfort of slumber that I  haven’t had in a long while.

Sleep is a funny thing. It gives us peace and serenity like no other facet of the human dimension. The torture of sleep deprivation can drive one mad and loss control of one’s senses.

I am barely at my wits end and I yearn for rest and renewal of the best sort.

Tonight is the deal breaker and I will either sleep or have a horrid night of eyes wide shut stillness without the gift of sleep.

I am at the point of begging for sleep, although I don’t know who will hear me…….