Mirror, Mirror

Today is not a good day for me and my on-going battle with anorexia. I spent the day with loved ones and was forced to eat out and I feel so fat, and when I look in the mirror I see fat.

I know my mind’s eyes are lying to me. People not sick still say I am mal-nourished and the scale hasn’t moved but oh tomorrow after what I had to eat today it will make me pay. The dreaded weight gain from trying to eat normal even though I barely did that. I wish I were bulimic and could throw everything up.

Instead I sit here in my own skin. so uncomfortable, so unhappy and I have a body that works for the most part. Take away my skeletal injuries and I am a somewhat health person. Okay, maybe healthy is not quite it but I am not like others. I have choices, and the choices I make are not good ones for myself or those people that love and care about me.

I can’t get past this. I can’t stand the way I feel. I certainly will not eat another thing today and everyone else will go on to eat a full supper.

I am down about this-I thought I was better than I really am. I hate going out to eat with my daughter because I am forced to show her a “healthier” mommy. I love her so much and don’t know why I can’t turn it around for her at least. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my daughter I would die a thousand deaths for her, instead I am slowly truly starving myself I can’t believe my feelings and my behavior. I am really not a good mommy after all. She is counting on me. She believes in me, and tries so hard to help me and I am a fucking piece of shit…..I so don’t deserve her.

I am going to try to just get through today and my feelings and call my eating disorders therapist tomorrow I feel a very strong urge to restrict everything once again. This feeling hasn’t been so strong in over a year.

I am very disappointed in myself and my unhealthy feelings.

When is this going to go away? I really need it to fast! I can talk to Pam, my eating disorders therapist, but if I don’t change it is all for not.

I skipped dinner tonight as between my feelings in my head and my body I wasn’t the least bit interested in food. I can not string days like this together. Tomorrow I must eat three to six small meals and get back to being somewhat healthy. This is a major setback today and the days leading up to it.

Feeling fat and uncomfortable is a hard jagged pill just to swallow. I don’t know what the answer is but I do know what the problem is; I strayed too far from my Radical Will team.

I never should have left them when I did…..I was just starting to walk on my own and without them and their support I never broke out into a run. My bad once again but I do wonder what my team thinks? It has been eight weeks since I last met with them and I know from the moment I left them I was heading down the wrong path again.

Beating myself up is my MO and has yet to prove effective. I must dig deep, deeper than I have been willing to dig and come up with a solution-based commentary on which to act on not this self-punishment I do but do nothing else.

I feel like if I punish or beat myself up with words everything else will go away-except that it is all still right here!

I took a step in the right direction by eating lunch with my family today and yet as soon as I did that-remorse, guilt and every other derogatory feeling came flooding my way.

I must get past this hump and I pray for Divine intervention and strength to feel uncomfortable with a full belly and know it is the right thing, the healthy feeling to have….I just need to jump start this #recovery once again. #Anorexia has controlled me and my life for two years and all the while it put stress, pain, and hardship on the shoulders of my loved ones.

The time is now. The time was a year ago, and I did come back from a really bad place. I just can’t get to a really healthy place.

I will eat tomorrow. I will start with my yogurt and applesauce and move to my leftovers from today. I need to be exceptionally intentional. I am in every other facet of my life. It is time to take control back here with my body and nourishment and do everything I can do recover to well. If not for me than damn it for my loved ones. I can’t bear the thought of causing them any more stress and strain.