Have You Never Been Mellow?

Ha! I got asked the question: Have you ever been mellow?

My answer was absolutely not! Since the day I was born I have been on a tear, with a broken wheel last weekend as many of you know.

Except for my Adderall withdrawal of last weekend I have never been mellow. I am not high-strung or a very anxious person although I do suffer from anxiety…..it is a very inward pain I suffer.

I wondered if I was aggravating to the person who asked me the question. I decided to go for it and I asked them directly, “Are you asking because you find my way aggravating?”

“No not at all,” was their response. They continued, “I am rather incredulous to the amount of energy and fire you possess.”

I wondered to myself is this was true, or if they really meant it.

I am a lot for certain personalities to take in and assimilate. I am like experiencing a kitty-cat going through hurricane forces.

I have grown to be less self-conscience of my behavior and energy level. I have come to embrace it and don’t know how I would make it without it.

Who would I be? The worse than bump on a log I was last weekend? Oh my I would pray that is not the case. I am Corey, and that is all I know. I was born this way so I know of no other way of being.

Of course I am keenly aware that others aren’t like me or I am not like others, but it doesn’t occur to me to be a bad thing.

I think because I am aware of my energy and its variance to the average or “normal” person, I suck it up a lot out of consideration for others and that can be quite painful.

Reeling in my energy and electricity is damn hard, and nearly impossible at times without just combusting in the process.

I try to be aware of my surroundings and those I am amongst. Perhaps maybe that is why I don’t mind time alone? Then I really get to be my naked true self without any editing of sorts.

A few people I am comfortable enough to be always unedited and naked: Stephanie, my ex-wife, my daughter, and the rest of my family.

I am a very social being but when made to feel like I need to restrict my persona and my TRUTH, I can be very anti-social and chose to opt out of such social gatherings.

Being out with friends is a balancing act. People feed off my energy but I am aware I can take up too much social space. I have a close group of friends and they get me, and they try to run wild and free with me.

It can be very lonely with my energy level. I mean nobody can keep up with me, so inadvertently I always find myself by myself at some point when the last person has dropped. Stephanie, my fiancé keeps up with me the best. I so appreciate her efforts and kindness in this department. However, at some point she does need to recharge and I miss her deeply as she replenishes her depleted energy stores.

Mellow? I would have no idea what that feels like at all. I am the person who doesn’t get knocked out by even strong pain pills, never mind the fact I have never napped ever. Even as a baby, my mom says I didn’t sleep the first year of my life. My poor grandfather had a heart attack walking me around when I was a baby. I always needed to be upright and moving and then I was perfect.

My daughter, Bella, was the same way as a little one. Very alert, born with her eyes wide open, and as an infanrt needed to see and be upright. Lots of walking and pacing the house. She didn’t care  much for her stroller as she couldn’t see very well and she was confined. Something in our genes!

I am not sure after my Adderall withdrawal if I want to be mellow.I don’t know what I was last weekend really but I didn’t like it one bit. I used to crave the idea of relaxing and just resting but after last weekend I keep checking in with myself to make sure I am not low or low energy.

Yeah I am pretty damn sure I am all set with the mellow inaction. I don’t wonder nor am I curious to experience it. I will keep my mania demons and keep myself!