I Am a Rock

When it comes to living and being in this world, I am a Rock.

You can take it any way you want it will probably work.

When it comes to my personality being a Rock manifests itself in a couple of really strong ways.

First, personally being a Rock I have steadfast determination and belief in myself that very rarely gets tested. This weekend with my unexpected derailment from Adderall I experienced my loss of being , thinking, and living like the usual Rock I am. I did not keep my blogging commitment which I made in May and haven’t missed a day of writing until this dreadful past weekend. I also questioned my entire life and who the fuck I was as a result of this derailment. I experienced awful anxiety about things I would never worry about for a second. I learned that my being a Rock is a Divine gift of sorts. Without it this past weekend I entered some space in life I never want to visit again. It completely sucked, I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t stop the derailment of my strong mind. It collapsed under the weight of Adderall withdrawal and it was scary as fuck.

Second guessing myself, doing evil revisionist history on the last months of my life, and looking bleakly forward with a bit of hopelessness I think adds up to a medicinal very short-lived bout of depressive thoughts which I have never experienced in my life. I never want to experience that, whatever it was again. I as a Rock, am always full steam ahead, I got my plans and goals, I hit my targets on the marks, and life although not always easy by any stretch of my tight jeans goes fluidly. This weekend as my body realized a chemical dependence, my mind experience a broke down mountain moment, that is still washing itself slowly out of my system. I realize you don’t mess with your head or your mind will punish you severely. Being a Rock, today I am so much better than this weekend but every once in awhile a thought like I had never had before will creep in and make me question, think, and yes worry. I am not a worry I am a warrior.

As a friend, my being a Rock is a gift I believe that I offer a handful of people in my Universe. I as a friend, am as loyal and steady, and forgiving as you will ever find. I was never a good friend until I got into my 30s. I pride myself in my friendship I offer to someone and like I said it is a small group of family and friends that get me, and whatever they need, when they need it, without excuses or apology.

My best friend besides Stephanie my fiancé is my friend Carole. We have had each other’s backs since fourth grade. No word of a lie. She has dug me out and I have dusted her off. We don’t speak often but when we do it is straight to the soul conversation and we have never ever fought or been estranged from one another. Wherever either of us is in the world we know if one of us ‘rings the bell” the other WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT.

I think most people don’t value friendship the way I do. I pride myself in being stable, constant and always there when needed. It isn’t often that I am called upon as my friends and family fortunately all pretty much have their shit together, but when I do get called I will not let you down if you are my friend.

I let those I consider my friends know who they are and what they have in me. Being a natural Rock it comes with ease to be there for my loved ones. It is no sweat off my eyebrow to make a friendship commitment to someone I love, and care about.

So this Rock was shaken up this weekend. I never realized what a gift my strength of my essence was….people have told me so many times “You are the strongest person I know.” I never really believed it but after a weekend of losing my footing and not being capable of being a Rock, I am now a believer and I feel so bad for people who don’t KNOW and aren’t sure. Ugh, that is a hard way to live.

I pray as the last of this vile mental and physical disturbance passes out of my system my Rock as I know and feel and live it, returns 100 percent. Still not quite there as I question without surety at times. I pray to my God it fully passes very soon.