The Importance of My Autonomy-This is My Car

After suffering through the worst of a bout with anorexia and not being able to feed or take care of myself I am on the verge of recovery and take a fall.

Not just any fall, but a fall that requires a knee surgery, an invasive other surgery to realign my other leg, and lastly a thumb fusion which will be highly painful and life-altering.

I now after yesterday have a casted right hand and arm, high-tech braces that are completely custom on my legs, and crutches and a walker so I can get around,

This is just the start as insurance is taking its sweet time approving a very straight forward, MRI confirming injury which the two other surgeries are based on. I must call the surgical coordinator for my doctor today and I have dreaded talking to her and hearing the bureaucracy over healing my broken body. My autonomy I was just gaining went out the window with this fall. I haven’t been able to drive with my anorexia in two years, and now can’t drive because of multiple physical limitations.

I am beyond words at this point and know how blessed and fortunate I am to have all I do and all the loved ones I have supporting me.

What every loving, helpful person needs to understand is I just want to be my independent self and take care of me. It isn’t for lack of love or thankfulness or gratitude I just want to be able to do for myself after such a long stretch with the anorexia and do for others for a change. It is tough having to continually rely on others for everything. I am so grateful for all everyone has done and does do, I just want to do for myself and do back for you if at all possible.

I have felt so loved and cared for through all of my anorexia but this fall has set me back on many levels. I was just getting close to driving my car again after two long years, and this fall which yes could have been worse, has made driving an impossibility for many, many months. No driving is really hard when your anyone but when you are me and are so fiercely independent and value my time alone with my dog in my car taking care of my business it is really a big buzz kill.

I can’t remember life when I could drive my car I love so much. I have a Camaro SS 7 speed that hasn’t been driven for two years.

Not only am I house bound or reliant but my poor puglet, Julia Bleu, is not getting to the doggy

park hardly or going on our favorite morning trail call Wagon Hill where dogs scamper freely off leash until 10 am through the fields to the woods and finally reach the salt water bay. Wow, was it great to start our day that way. My dog and I were gone daily from 6 am to 1 pm not even doing anything. Her life is really limited and I am so very grateful to the people in my life who accept and love her and let her ride in their cars. I know she is a handful and not very-well behaved in the car-that is on me I let her get away with it and know it is hard to constrain or restrain a really happy puppy who just wants to go like she is used to. With the fall I can’t even walk her incessantly like I did. Thankfully I have a couple of friends who take her for walks and Stephanie is a godsend, but still it isn’t her daddy (me) walking her.

I feel bad for myself but worse for my dog and child. I am so limited! I can’t say it enough I know so many other people have it far worse than I or my dog, but this is my life and this is what is happening or really not happening.

I just want to get in the car and go. Where? I don’t know. Well whatever you do, don’t take your autonomy for granted. I thought nothing about my freedom and now it is all I can think about.

I love my fiancé and Stephanie after Bella is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but oh how I want to do for me and for her too. I want to go wash and clean out her car-it is one of my favorite things to do for people and I love doing it!

I know I have learned and done some great things in my down time. Heck I started two blogs I am committed to daily! I have spent more quality time with Stephanie and Bella because we are forced into it. Wouldn’t change those things for the world. But now I am ready to go on my own with my dog……just get up, roll out of bed, throw on a ski hat and go for the better part of the day doing really nothing at all, just being outside and maybe doing some writing.

I now have weight issues due to lack of activity and my dog I try to keep her stimulated but it isn’t nearly the same. She used to socialize with other dogs and have her independence running crazy off the leash at Wagon Hill. I know this will all get straightened out and right now it is up to me to accept the challenge I guess I have refused to accept: make the most out of this different time in my life. I think I did it when I created the blogs, and went back to school for my PhD. But a lot of that was taken away from me, and this little ball, of snorting fur laying in my lap, was really left alone when I returned to school. I raised her as a stay at home mommy to Bella and stay at home daddy for her.

I can feel that first, apprehensive time I get into my car, with Stephanie because I will be nervous about driving alone. I know I will feel every fucking horse power under my car’s hood when I step on the gas. Getting her out to an open road, crazy epic thoughts race through my head as I think and type about it.

It will happen not before a lot of major body work on me and pressing right now to get further creative for myself and my dog.

Bella is fortunate to have my ex-wife and Stephanie takes us everywhere so there are no worries there. It is mostly the Monday through Friday for us that has me hung up and feeling both fragile and stuck.

I will be back and it will be a new adjustment with my new found autonomy and my commitments I have made to myself and projects while being laid up to various degrees. It will get even worse than this before it gets better. Post surgery for the second two operations is going to be hard as hell. That’s why I need to call the surgical coordinator now and get this first surgery set-up and get the rest of my life figured out for the next six months or so……..I will feel the air on my face and body as I cruise at 90 mph without any effort on my car’s part and the music blaring and my dog riding right beside of me sitting on the middle console……We will be back but we have things to do now, I just need to give it some serious thought……