No Apologies

I have mentioned quite a bit on this blog that I suffer from mania. I have talked about my schedule and my maniac’s hours. The maniac’s hours are between 12:30-6 am.

It is not easy being manic 100 percent of the time.  The sleep issues,  are mainly under control but have required acute hospitalization for lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation is very serious and the American Psychiatric Association has a policy that if you go without sleep for 72 hours you must be hospitalized. The longest I have gone without a wink of sleep is 5 and a half days. I was starting to have small seizures where lights were too bright and sounds were all too loud. It was one of the scariest times in my life. I spent 18 days in the hospital my body went so out of whack.

Having mania affects your personality for sure. I am always happy for the most part. I have never suffered a bout or a minute of depression. It can be hard on me in social situations.  The demands my brain and body require due to the mania cause all sorts of nuances.

For starters my brain never stops and needs to be stimulated 24/7. My body is right up there but through therapy I have gotten my whole body constantly moving one way or another down to one leg that constantly shakes. Also if I am not using my hands I rub my fingers together without even knowing it.

My mind is working in overdrive constantly so my speech is really fast like my thoughts. I am hyper-focused and go into the most minute details any person has ever experienced.  I used to be self conscious and worry about myself but I now have the confidence to carry on conversations at pretty normal speeds with a lot of intentional work and let someone else get a word in edge wise.

I try as much as possible to deal with this rare pure mania on my own. I do take large doses of Adderall three times a day to help with the symptoms. There is no other medication and they have tried too many times to diagnose me with bipolar so they can give me medication but I never fit the criteria for it.

It takes special people to be close to me in my life. I always want to go go go and I never nap-haven’t ever napped even as a child. I don’t take sleeping medications because they are addictive and I build a tolerance to them. I require a bit more understanding than the average person because sometimes I am not aware of my mania and what it is doing to me. Both my ex-wife and my fiancée Stephanie are very patient people and think my mania gives me a really youthful personality. I am never in a bad mood. People say it affects my intellect in a positive way but I have no proof. People with mania do have higher IQ scores so that would be in line.

I used to be embarrassed and self-conscious of my mania but not any more. It is a part of me and I embrace it the older I get.  I make no apologies anymore.