Monday-The Big Day Ahead

As you know I have been battling my brain on fire and recovering from surgery on my leg last Tuesday.

Today the neurologist who called me back last night. He  will have his medical staff set up an appointment for late in the week.

He said I might just be experiencing a higher level of mania, which to him seems the most likely cause and is hard for me but not a medical problem. He stated that getting a speech therapist, and a counselor who can deal with mania is top on my list. He said that the biggest problems arise in mania shifts when people don’t seek out the necessary help to accommodate themselves.

Today also at 1:10 pm I have my follow-up with my surgeon from last Tuesday. He is supposed to discuss the bad leg and the invasive surgery it requires. I fear the worst, and that any chance I had again at running is gone. He will remove my stitches and talk about last week’s surgery as well.

I am nervous going to the surgeon with my brain on fire and not being confident in my speech. I have been practicing my talking but there are times when I just get all garbled because I can’t keep track of my thoughts.

The neurologist did say there are some other medications to try for the affects of the mania, but these newer drugs have some serious side effects. It is like oh great, a new pill that can really harm you, do you want to take it?

I talked with Stephanie and she admitted my speech is off although she can make it out. I am so uptight about my doctor and seeing my parents for the ride to the appointment. They will be against any new drugs for sure. They are anti-pill people all the way.

Today I know is going to be hard with the surgeon and Stephanie offered to go, but I told her no.  I think I will take his words hard and just want to be quiet and alone for awhile. I am not ready at the cusp of forty to not be able to run again, and even maybe have a hard time walking properly.

Stephanie is getting out early and will meet me back at the house. The doctor said the medical person would be calling this morning so Stephanie and I need to spend some time planning on getting to Baltimore.

My brain will not cease. I can’t even imagine the number of thoughts that have passed through my head. I am trying as I may to capture some good ones, but trying to remember exactly when I am inundated with new thoughts is challenging.

I did sleep again last night and although it was less than two hours it really means I don’t have mania madness.

I don’t know what to do with myself now. I am tired but could never sleep. I wrote more of my anorexia story and got caught up with my personal finances. Bleeding cash doesn’t begin to cover my expenses now through the holidays. With a trip to Baltimore and a Thanksgiving trip to Florida and Christmas I will be spending cash as quickly as I make it. Oh I forgot my engagement weekend on Columbus Day weekend, (the ring is already paid for), and the bedroom set we still need to buy for our new bedroom.

All of this just muddles my brain and the fire dulls but the chaos is increased. I am truly at a loss for this mania issue and will call a speech pathologist today once I get the appointment set up in Baltimore.

John Hopkins is one of the best, so I know I am in good hands with cutting edge medicine.

I try as I may to describe to Stephanie what is going on in my head. Imagine a 500 horsepower car being set on the emergency brake and than someone floors it and the engine almost explodes. That is the tip of what I feel and might not even be a great description.

I am very low today regarding my appointment and impending news. I probably am down playing what the surgeon is actually going to say. I am not equipped for the news or words and hope I can just make it home before I cry. These will be big crocodile tears. My sadness is deep and runs through many facets of my life.

Right now I have to work on my speech and keeping it to a minimum with the surgeon. I just don’t want him to think I am off or high on pain pills.

I have wondered if the pain pills or anesthesia could have played a role in my increased mania? I will have to talk to the doctor at Hopkins. I haven’t taken pain pills since Friday so they must be washing out of my body. It feels like some sort of a switch got flipped to start all this. I am not sure if I will ever know.

Stephanie is up and we are going to work on me speaking to the surgeon today. I have things I need and want to say so I just can’t sit there and wait through it.

I had an okay weekend given everything. I am now off the walker and the crutches. Probably too soon but I just want this mess all behind me and right now it is right in front of me staring me down.

My brain is going to have to slow down today for my appointment. I will take my Adderall in the waiting room, so it helps somewhat.

Here is to a big day, with major activities that I feel very ill-prepared for. I got this, I always do. Please self, don’t fail me now.