My Spiritual Life part 3-Leading To My City of Angels

So now you know about my journey that lead me to HERE at forty where I recently questioned the existence of angels and whether I in fact, am an Angel of some sorts.

Coming off celebrating my fortieth birthday I am a self-declared Christian-Buddhist with tested unwavering faith who attends a local Episcopal church named Saint Thomas on Sundays and who has volunteered in the breakfast café for 6 years. I have seen and experienced three priests, none quite like the first who retired and died suddenly of pancreatic cancer.

We met weekly the months leading up to my confirmation by the bishop and we developed a kinship like none other. I loved Bob and his family and was sad  about the regret and blame he placed upon himself in response to his children and their lives as they had turned out thus far in their early adult lives.

Currently we have an interim priest, named Gail, who is very kind but will only be with us until our search for our new permanent priest is finished.

So today, I am what I consider a Christian-Buddhist, as I live my daily life with a Buddhist mind and heart during the day to day, all the while I wear my cross and medallion and pray throughout the day and night to my God and the Holy Trinity as I now contemplate the realization of Angels in the Divine world and in my immediate life.

I am a very unique person with my spirituality as we all are I believe. I take from my Episcopal theology and my Buddhist philosophy all that which I like and agree with, and leave the rest that doesn’t fit my paradigm or schematic illustration of my Christian-Buddhist life off to the side and away from my lived reality. I needn’t know if it is acceptable to anyone my combination of beliefs but I do know they are not in direct competition with one another as one is a religious denomination and the other is a way of living or philosophy.

I am usually looked over for my beliefs, and as soon as I mention my God, I am questioned and chastised for my “illogical” belief in a God that to many does not exist logically as they use science as their reasoning. I am a very logical, and science-oriented person, and yet I like the great minds of science and philosophy stated best as Einstein put it, “The closer I get to science the more I know there is a God.”

I do not talk much about my spirituality and I sorrowfully must admit I haven’t put a lot of thought in it beyond my beliefs. My query of Angels is just one thought I pondered recently as I got close enough to my religion to open it up, and extract the Divine traits, and reasons of my beliefs. In doing so, I first had to contemplate the idea of good versus bad, and the argument of the ages, my God versus the Devil for starters.

I never think or thought about the Devil until I opened up my thoughts and pondered what they meant in a full-bodied concept where since I pray to that which is good and pure, I must conversely believe in that which is bad or evil. Although that is the logical case, I haven’t spent time thinking about the Devil until I felt his darkness and feared for my soul as the fire in my head burned too great, and I felt for a moment a sense of vacancy where I imagined the Devil swooping in for my soul. It frightened me, and I realized my query about Angels in my Divine schematic was or had to be true to some degree, as I realized through Divine Intervention  that it was the Angels doing what I once believed was the work of my God, yet was rather the Will of my God, carried out by the Angels to rescue my soul, veiled in the darkness of the Devil, and then protected  my soul remaining unscathed by the Devil.

I know nothing really of the make-up of the Angels, beyond the concept of the Guardian Angel which most people seem to be familiar with even if they do not believe. The concept of the Guardian Angel leads itself to many other types of Angels located in the kingdom of God, but I don’t know where my beliefs end being unwavering, and where with these new beliefs, they are once again wavering.

The simple query of Angels has thoughtlessly brought down my unwavering faith, and I am left today, on this bright and beautiful Saturday with the absence and surety of my once unwavering beliefs. I wonder as I ponder this conundrum if my beliefs as they were constructed by me were even valid to anyone besides myself and my God. For I believe my God accepts my love and prayers without judgement but perhaps a totality of his Divine is necessary for complete Divine acceptance.

I am lost once again, and drawn to the Holy Bible and its scriptures. Must I read and understand and agree with everything in the Holy Bible to be even a Christian-Buddhist? I think I am at a place where my spiritual commitment to the finite is now necessary to further my beliefs and feed my soul all the while I pray and ask and beg for God’s help and perhaps the deeds of the Angels as well.

I have started without the Holy Bible and once again tried to circumvent the Holy Bible to preserve my spirituality as a Christian. I must I believe read the Bible in its entirety and research my query of Angels concurrently to arrive at my Divine destination of TRUTH.

I am unsettled by this realization, and set back a bit by the work which lays ahead of me to continue to define myself as a Christian-Buddhist. I have felt Divine Grace in the birth of my daughter, and I believe in miracles for a myriad of reasons starting with my daughter who was summoned to God at 11.5 weeks, only to be spared to do greater good here on this earth instead of joining the Angels above at such an early age.

Right now I hold my cross, ever so gently in my hand, and I feel the smoothness, and the writing on the medallion, and I know without doubt my God exists, I just must now do the work to educate myself in totality of the Divine and Sacred through the Ordinary by reading and ingesting the Holy scriptures and the stories I know and have heard so many times in Church but never read in a way that I could just believe in God and the Trinity, but do to my lack of deep knowledge of the Holy Bible I was relegated to formulating my God with my Holy Trinity and without acceptance on my part of the Divine spoken words of God and the Apostles.

I will begin to read the Holy Bible and I have already read some of my Divinity research on angels. I shall write next time from my next point of words from what I deem The  City of Angels. I believe it is essential that I start a new journal today, and I once again begin writing to My God, for complete and unwavering faith of all that is included in the Divine and Sacred, and that I arm myself with the knowledge of the other side belonging to the Devil and Evil, and the haunting  darkness I feel seeping into my world every now and again.

I only asked and prayed and wrote to my God for a year for unwavering faith to God and the Holy Trinity as I knew it to be for me, not the written words of the Holy Bible which to this day I have never read, as I tried once about 5 years ago to read, but couldn’t get through Genesis. My God as I believe, is not angry and the God in the bible was very angry with mankind and his wrath and anger was too great and dark for me to bare.

So as I sit here at 40, and the question comes up do I really believe in God, or have I conjured up a fantasy for myself and my soul that works and is all tidy and neat, and not messy and begs for me to wrestle with the incomprehensible, and the messy part of the Divine that I have neatly packaged and chosen not to accept as my God?

I knew these  twisted and knotted of thoughts were there, and I have avoided it as long as I could. So now at 40, I can no longer hide my new questions when I haven’t really accepted any God but my own, and does my God exist, or am I just a lost, soul, with Buddhist beliefs for my everyday life, but my Christian part is a train wreck and I knew it yet denied the messy, pondered I was meant to deal with, wrestle with, and fight till I believed and the anger of God in Genesis was not too much for me to bare, as my God is the God of the Holy Bible. Is this something I can believe or no is it too much for my own soul and I am not a believer of wavering or unwavering faith but I am really nothing of any sorts in the mirror of the reflection of my Divine beliefs of the Holy Bible?

I believe today requires a new journal to begin writing to God once again for unwavering faith of the entirety of the Divine and my next post will start my journey to my story of The City of Angels, as I read the Divinity research as well as the Holy Bible in a testament to my faith and my God which I believe is all one God and I must now do due-diligence to get to the Sacred of the Ordinary.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016