Frame of Mind

laugh.jpgI have realized since this past weekend that life truly is about your “frame of mind.”

As many of you know I experienced a dreadful weekend caused by not filling my Adderall script for my mania on time and going cold turkey two full days without it.

To say it was a bad experience, is like comparing the Titanic to Gilligan’s Island. Honestly it was the worst of times both physically and mentally.

I think that is what made it so bad was the one-two punch of both physical discomfort and new mental discomfort I had never experienced in my life.

I got my Adderall prescription immediately filled by 10:30 am on Monday morning but even as I type I am chewing on Pepto tablets to soothe my upset and very unhappy stomach.

I realized that I am really fortunate not to have depression and in that have a new found empathy for anybody who suffers from anytime of depression. I believe my mind for the first time in 39 years got depressed with the rip away of Adderall to my brain. In looking up the symptoms of Adderall withdrawal depression was near the top, along with a bad stomach.

I don’t know how people survive to be truthful. This weekend and the residual fallout that has continued to a very minor extent as my mind adjust to such a shock, is something I can’t handle. Not waking up upbeat and happy is something I don’t know and can’t handle.

My biggest fear and I am definitely not thinking about it, is that the depressive thoughts are now awake in me and will rear their ugly head. I doubt it in the long run, but in the short-term it is definitely a worrisome thought!

I realize how we feel in our mind is so directly correlated to how we act and are in this world. My mind was not okay this past weekend and as a result for the first time since the first week in May when I made a vow to blog every day I didn’t do it.

It was a huge deal that I didn’t blog, I didn’t really engage, I was just holding on for dear life feeling dreary about everything. My mind didn’t pick and chose this weekend. It kitchen-sinked it and everything I am, am doing, plan to do, the future I dream of, was all put into an unknown space of question, doubt, and the inability to carry out my goals even for just the weekend.

How do people who are not up, not optimistic by nature make it work? I have such a new found respect for people dealing with minds that have less than optimal thoughts all the time. Even these little blips I am experiencing now, scare the hell out of me.

I am a person who lives full-speed ahead without nary a doubt. Might not be realistic and might be due to my pure mania but I don’t understand how one can live in this world and get up and function as a responsible person otherwise. I was flat out incapacitated this weekend, and I know what I experienced was very mild compared to other peoples constant depressed frames of mind which they live with most of the time.

Frame of mind is really everything on some level. Perception and frame of mind create our own set of realities and guide us in either a positive, negative, or maybe even a non-moving direction. I have pure mania so I am sure my tich of depressive thoughts this past weekend seem bigger than life to me. I don’t really care, as I have read and studied so many people debilitated by depression. I get why depressed people drink, and turn to alternative mood enhancers. I would too damn it I couldn’t have lasted another day with my frame of mind this past weekend.

My goals and achievements are everything to me. Being a high-end over-achiever coupled with being a top-notch perfectionist I don’t fuck up my goals or my plans. I am overwhelmed with an incredulous feeling that a slight change in my frame of mind this past weekend resulted in me breaking my goal of blogging everyday. I have suffered a lot of skeletal injuries since I started blogging, and never once did I miss a day without a post.

I pray for people with depression. I read this book once about a guy with severe depression and anxiety, Andrew Solomon. The tome of a book is called “The Noonday Demon” and it literally made me ill to read his first person story with a life time of battling a big depression. He gets so sick he can’t even take care of himself. I know that is not everyone’s depression and is an extreme case but boy I was grateful to be able to put that book far away from myself at times.

Frame of mind is something that has never occurred to me and I don’t think many people consider it as I haven’t read about it a lot in the current news or research which I keep a close tab on. I pray my gift of my frame of mind continues to resolve itself and that the residual feelings of last weekend disappear into the night. I feel like I have a little case of PTSD over this……Maybe I do, because depression is that big, and that painfully powerful.