Maniacal Musings July 18th, 2016

These morning Stephanie drove me to get my coffee. I was so excited that I didn’t have to make a pot at home.

I got home and I took it straight away with my Adderall. The golden elixir was at work, too bad I couldn’t get any real blogging done! I am writing about a period where there is a lot doctor’s visits in my anorexia story and I need to get the facts straight so I am referring to my old journals and had to do a lot of reading for my next two posts.

Today I go to the orthopedic surgeon at 10:50 am. My mother is driving me so that should be interesting. I have no idea what to expect I thought it was a simple cast for eight weeks I would get put on today. However after confirming the appointment the medical assistant said don’t count on anything because I am really not sure he knows what he is going to do. I might need further x-rays or an MRI to get a better read on the injuries. I feel now like my knee is wrecked again, and it isn’t just the broken bones, I really didn’t want this to be the case. I know he pretty much did everything possible on the last knee surgery. The only reason I could see having surgery if this last fall damaged something new. It is my understanding that my knee is as bad as it could get at this point.

I will say I have been in much more pain. In fact the pain pills they gave me, I used them accordingly but they never took the pain away, I don’t know what he will do today but I could use a script for pain medication that works for pain management. I am waiting to hear from my mother on what time she is exactly picking me up I am seeing the surgeon at a different location, and have never been there before. I cant be late and actually must arrive early to see him. I have paperwork that I need to fill out. I am so not mentally prepared for today and the unanswered questions about my leg.

It was interesting two things happened to me on Facebook. Somebody turned me for the first time, for nudity I guess, it was a meme of a clothed woman and man with the man maybe biting her on the neck saying it is okay to be naughty. Nothing out there honestly, and I logged on and it was the world of Facebook descended down upon me. They told me my picture had been pulled and then I had to take an appropriateness test. It was so insane I had to click on appropriate pictures for Facebook. Then someone had a psychology book with a test on whether you were an alpha or beta person. I can out strong in both a hybrid, a very unusual sort. So I will still crush you like a bug in the work world however I will feel bad about it! It this all made me laugh we take Facebook and all the sites way too seriously.

I am trying to get into my Buddhist mode where I have beginner’s mind, and my goals are very simple. Because as of right now, none my personal, work, or otherwise goals are simple and straightforward. Second of all I have this big appointment today and I don’t know what to expect and I don’t want to end up in a bad mind space because I wasn’t open enough to all the possibilities that I might have to endure. It would be awful if I went with the attitude I was just getting a cast, and then they said surgery instead! I would be so ill prepared for that I must try very hard to keep an open mind. Anything is possible today and I have to be ready or as ready for it as I can be.

Stephanie isn’t going to be there either which is a big deal in a lot of ways. My parents are both taking me. Last night Stephanie and I had words for the first time. It was probably healthy but it shock us both up we will be very happy to see each other tonight and I know now better than trying to make it easier on her-she wants to be the one who takes me to my big appointments when I cant go by myself! I thought I was doing her a favor with work, and she was slighted and felt like I was pushing her away!

Now that we almost didn’t make it through over that tiny speed-bump I realize we are both very sensitive and have a lot on this line of love we share. We must each do our best to make the other person feel special and needed. I always need Stephanie and I would like to see her need me. Although last night when we had words I did see how fragile she is, and I don’t want to hurt her in anyway anytime. We ended up really good and this morning was a bit sad as I did and I do want Stephanie to take me to my appointment, as I can’t be myself around my parents and if I get bad news and I don’t even  know what bad looks like this minute I want Stephanie to be there. I think I am going to text her and ask for her to come home early if it is possible.

I am going to blog about anorexia and recovery quite a bit today. I hope to get to another piece an op-ed post called Put the Masque Down. It is something I have been thinking about and after I write through this anorexia part I will do the op-ed and keep you informed with my leg. This poor leg has had way too much pain and damage.

I leave you now wishing everyone a fabulous day!