Live To Eat…….

If only the title were true…..

Here I am almost two years from my first in-patient stay at Walden Eating Disorders Center, and I am still fighting the fight.

I have gained some weight but I am nowhere near well and I doubt very strongly I will fully ever get there.

I have made great strides with my Radical Will approach. It is just the physical leftovers I can’t seem to put to rest.

My mind is so much healthier which makes not being well physically very trying and yes scary. I am keenly aware of the state of my physicality especially with dealing with these falls that have caused me great injury and require extensive surgeries to get to well or better at least.

My lack of eating is caused by my lack of appetite. I have lost my appetite and as soon as I am hungry I try to eat than it is a few bites and I am full or not interested.

I am not actively restricting at all. It makes me nauseous to eat a lot of the time. Nausea is a huge problem for me right now. Chewing Pepto like I own stock in it!

However, this anniversary sucks I thought I would be to well with the anorexia by now. I have increased the variety of foods I eat and I actually cook sometimes. Not specifically for me but for my daughter and then I will eat some of what I made for her.

My body dysmorphia is at an all time high but my fear of my health and well-being trumps that and I want to eat I just really am struggling.

I thought if I get my head fixed the eating will be no problem. Radical Will was excellent for changing my head around and putting the unhealthy thoughts away.

I am at a loss and every day I start anew with the hopes of turning the corner to a more healthy weight and life style.

It is really hard on me because right now I am frightened of my own body and its lack of healthfulness.

I got to go back to the doctors and I guess ask for some prescription anti-nausea medication. It is the only thing I can think of doing, truly.

Its Labor weekend and we are into September, and it was November 8th 2014 that I entered Walden for the first time. I had two stays and have managed to keep myself out of there although in the Spring of 2015 I was hospitalized on a medical floor locally for 18 days. That was my last in-patient stay for anorexia.

I got to make a doctor’s appointment today for next week and get going with the anti-nausea medication. I have no idea what is making feel so sick that eating is a problem. I know it is not psycho-somatic my nausea is REAL, for that I am sure.

I am very aware of the body dysmorphia and Radical Will works terrific on that in the moment when I begin to have a moment.

I just don’t feel well in general and coupled with the injuries I have sustained it is very difficult to function.

I will get this right, as I have successfully come back far enough to want #RECOVERY 100%.