Second Opinion on My Anorexia July 29, 2016

I am one night from returning from the DNC. It has been tough on my body for sure. Given the best of circumstances this would have been a hard week eating in general.

Put me at the DNC with extra loads of work, and late evenings or early mornings before bed, it has been a real struggle and my weight has been plummeting since Monday. I am down 7 pounds or near that, and Stephanie  is really concerned. I don’t blame her. I am just as concerned but I think one of us has to remain calm and tempered because if we both lose our wits about this it is only going to muddy the waters.

I have averaged less than 2 shakes a day when I normally drink 3+ a day. The rest of my diet has been diet soda and power-aide to stay hydrated. Stephanie leaves today (Friday) and I leave tomorrow, Saturday.  I know today I need to call my Radical Will team and get on everyone’s books, and also make sure that the phone call between my doctor and the endocrinologist really happened.

I need some more metabolic guidance regardless if this is anorexia or hypermetabolic syndrome. Either way I am in need of help and a plan to restore the weight I lost this week immediately. I pray it is not hard to do and that as soon as I start ingesting my normal amounts of supplement I will see a change in my weight.

I am glad when I get home Bella is at volleyball camp. My weight loss is noticeable and I have the anorexic look coming back again. I had just lost that and looked really thin but not sickly. I could cry I am so frustrated by all of this. Stephanie thinks I made  a mistake staying here the entire week, and staying through the rally on Friday.  One more day isn’t going to make or break me and if I came down and lost the weight and didn’t do my job my head would be all the more fucked up. At least I did it and got through it!  There are like 100 days left till the election. Better to find out now how stressful and demanding this is going to be now and deal with it, than to have the time pass and lose the weight and put my return to school in jeopardy.

I am trying as I type to get down a shake before I try to get a couple hours of sleep. It isn’t going so well and Stephanie is sound asleep. She will be up by 6:30 am for a 9 am flight home. I hope she isn’t mad at me or disappointed. Well I know she is disappointed as I didn’t take care of myself and if Stephanie hadn’t been here it would have been worse.  I think she is really worried about me heading out on the road and not eating enough and getting myself really sick. I am not sure this is anorexia or isn’t it? I am so in, so deep, I can’t see the truth. No matter what, I have hypermetabolic syndrome and so I need to eat a lot of my shakes just to maintain my weight. I need a break in  that department, I guess if I had maintained my weight there would be no issue. Why didn’t I drink the shakes as I was supposed to? I was really busy and didn’t have time a lot to eat, but everyone else did. They just ordered out. Somebody took two of my shakes out of the refrigerator and drank them. I saw the empties in the trash. Boy are they in for a surprise! it is what you get when you take other people’s food.

Stephanie and I have decided that I will head to John Hopkins in Maryland for a second opinion on my anorexia and my hypermetabolic syndrome. She is going to start the calls later today when she gets home. We will fly down for a week if necessary and get worked up completely. Stephanie is going to let my Radical Will team know this today as well.

I am working on the shake and as I write and see how not good things are I am drinking more and more of it. I will finish this shake and then go to bed on it. I am so grateful I am heading home on Saturday and not hitting the road. I have so much organizing of teams to do and I need to get into a groove with myself and my work and my colleagues. I feel behind the eight ball and starting today I am going to make a lot of head way into my digital virtual reality phone banking teams. I will contact headquarters today, although after this week maybe those not attending the rally will be out of the office? I don’t know what to expect but I hope someone at headquarters can help me out.

Stephanie honestly feels like I should give up my positions and work as a fellow for the next semester for the campaign. It is more academically oriented and the hours expected are very reasonable and it looks good on your college transcripts. I think without a doubt when I go to Hopkins they are going to say no to working for the campaign all together. I think they are  going to be very bottom line driven and see the weight loss and say plain no to working the campaign. My guess is I won’t have a lot of say with the Hopkins people.

Of course I certainly do not want that to happen, and I will fight my way through that type of speak. However, in the end I know I can’t risk my health and my overall well-being for the campaign. The biggest bottom line is I want to be a part of the campaign and I am already prepping myself for the worst and having to be a call team captain or something way below what I do now. No matter what, I will still be part of the team and I will still be involved with getting HRC into the White House.

Stephanie just woke up from the desk light and my computer. First thing she said, “Thank you for drinking a shake.” I don’t want her to worry or thank me I want her to be my girlfriend and soon fiancé. This is so hard, but the part I haven’t mentioned and the reason I agreed to go to Hopkins is because of Stephanie and I.  I can’t have my illness of anorexia be any part of my future with her. I will probably always struggle with the hypermetabolic syndrome and that in itself is a very tall nasty order for us to always deal with. But as I write I know there is anorexia in this situation right now. If I was just hypermetabolic I would at least be 100 percent complaint on my shake intake and my eating. I guess the anorexia is still alive and revenging my mind to some degree or another. I do have this feeling of being invincible when I don’t eat-that I got it and me and my body can handle it. Umm, no. Not exactly.

So I am almost through my shake and Stephanie is up to talk and read this post I am sure. I will make today my bitch and get three shakes down no matter what

. I can turn this around right now-now that my ass and back are pushed back up against the wall.

Have a great day and be #HECTIC!