I awoke at the maniac’s hours, and took Julia Bleu to get my coffee drink, and get home and take my golden elixir. It had been so long since I had it, I think I went half-way blissed out. I didn’t have any school work to do, my desk was a wreck, but I needed to do something. I got out a new journal and started writing the date on it. I finished with my name, and I began to write frantically.
So many pent up thoughts, that I didn’t want to share with anyone else quite yet. I immediately felt bad, thinking of my day ahead of me with my parents, going grocery shopping. Honestly let me add to the list of not what to do with an anorexic patient gets home from in in-patient stay. I already knew I wanted to stay in my pajamas all day, and watch movies on end, and pretend my life wasn’t so in the pits. The one bright spot, was that I would see my daughter, Bella. After school, she would come right over, and the look of relief on her face, would make me well up with tears. I have put my daughter through so much worry and I cant take it back.
I continued to write in my journal, marveling at these new sharpies, that were fine tipped and did not bleed, perfect writing utensil for me. I wrote about my fears, and not leaving up to my goals, and wondering how I could ever accomplish them, without the help of Pam, my eating disorders therapist. I knew she would take one look at the plan and say unreasonable. We didn’t get sick in three months, we are not getting to well in four. She was my saving grace, I often wondered if she suffered with her own eating disorder, she was also very frail. It was now about 5:50 am the time I feed Julia Bleu, and take her out on the town for a walk. It just makes her so happy. I called Julia Bleu, and asked if she wanted to eat, and she went all pug crazy on me. We went to the kitchen and I made her breakfast, and loaded the dishwasher. After Julia Bleu was done, I left my pajamas on, and just throw on a parker and hat, I wasn’t planning on running into anyone.
We headed out into the chilly air, Julia Bleu had missed her walks. At my ex-wife’s house she has two acres so Julia Bleu goes out and does her business but doesn’t get the exercise she craves. We have so many loops we do, but today, being my first day home, I decided on a short loop, which took us through the center of the town, where we had lots of windows to look in. We made it home, and got inside and I heard my name I thought. It couldn’t be Stephanie it is way too early for her…..”Corey, is that you with Julia Bleu?” “Yes, what are you doing up so early?” “Do you want me to go back to bed?” “No silly, but I am fine, I am going to sit down and eat a yogurt. If my mother asks what I ate today I will handle it. I am already edgy about seeing them and going food shopping. Pam would not think this is a healthy idea.” Stephanie rubbed my arm and said, “I am sorry for all that you are going through.” I put down my spoon, and looked at Stephanie straight in the eyes, “I did this to me, and to all the people I love and care about. Please don’t be sorry for me, what I have coming I certainly deserve, and probably more of it than I will get.” I got up, and kissed her on the head. She was so my rock, I would be lost without her, and wouldn’t stand a chance. “I am sorry I gave you my angry eyes, but this is all my fucking masterpiece. I get to go to the fucking grocery store with my parents? What the hell, don’t they have a clue, I am a grown up and need to take responsibility for my actors.”
I left the kitchen, and told Stephanie I was gong to the study if she wanted to join me. “Let me guess, a new minted journal?” ‘How did you know, am I that predictable?” I got comfy on the couch with Stephanie by my side, I honestly adored her but could not admit it, what would she want with a loser like me? Stephanie looked at her phone, “Oh may your parents will be here soon.” “Of course they come at the crack of dawn, not thinking I might just want to be in my house.” “Let’s get our happy on, Corey Britton. This whole thing will go much faster. Although we haven’t menu-planned.” “I will call my mother, and tell them to come later.” “Please don’t Corey, I can through a menu-plan together in the car.”
We both got silent and I thought of Radical Will, and how I was going to fail, and end up right back at Walden. I got dressed, I did my face, hair, and my teeth. My mother would not like what I was wearing, I hoped she knew today was not the day to voice opinion on anything. She has this problem with ripped jeans, I love my ripped jeans and I work on them. When I lived at home, my favorite ripped pairs would just disappear and she was the only one who did laundry. Not even up to this day, where as adults we have told them all the stuff we really did, she still hasn’t owned my jeans.
The doorbell rang and Stephanie went to let my parents in. My mother took one look at me, “Corey how did you get even smaller?” “Mom because the place is ass backwards, and you wouldn’t listen to me. I brought home all my paperwork so you could see I was complaint. I really don’t want this day to revolve all this.” “Too late,” said my father, a kind and gentle man who didn’t mince his words together. “I really can do the shopping with Stephanie, later today. Mom if you are just going to wear that face, that has something to say but wont say it. Just come on out with it. “Its those jeans, they have tears, and its very cold outside.” “Mom, I am wearing these jeans, yes I am gong to wear them for one straight week, because I am an adult and can do what ever I want to do. “Fine,” said my father, “Can we get on moving. Now that we are through the pleasantries.” “I need to grab my jacket.” “And a hat too,” quipped my mother. “Stephanie thank you so much for all your help.” “Yes it spares her from having to deal with me,” I said like a child.
We went outside and it was cold. I got into the heated car, and Stephanie squeezed my hand, letting me know she could deal with my mother. I don’t remember a lot about the trip. We stopped at like 4 grocery stores. My mother was her bossy Franco-American way tells us all what to do. I said very little, as I was deep in my head. What if I had made a mistake, and I did come home too early? I wondered how honest I could be with Pam, tonight I was going to tell Stephanie everything. My energy was low, great almost lunch time. Only in my family could you shop for groceries until it was time to go out to eat. My mother knows I HATE going out to eat, but she is going to say, we all need to eat, its been a busy day. Sure enough, my father got into the car, and said, “Marie where we going for lunch?” “I am waiting until I get home, you just bought me close to 400.00 of groceries.” “Corey, listen there is this new Italian place, you love eggplant and theirs is delicious. Isn’t it good Frank? Sure, whatever you all want to do. I squeezed Stephanie’s hand in frustration, but I was so glad she was there.
We made it to the restaurant and I pushed my food around on my plate. “May I have a to go box? I will eat this later.” “Corey, you honestly didn’t eat a thing.” “How could you tell if you were eating your own food? I learned this at Walden. Concentrate on your food, and your food only. I think it should become a new family rule.” “OK, two weeks to see improvement,” said my mother with some hurt in her voice. We got home, I couldn’t even look at that the food, my parents rushed right out. “Thank you both, I love you very much, and I wont wear these jeans tomorrow, if you come and take me to the mall. I have to go some Christmas shopping.” “I will call you later,” replied my mom. “We love you both,” as they happily departed.
I couldn’t fathom ALL the food on the floor and on the table, and on the counters. “Stephanie I know you want to get this all organized, mind if I go lay down?” “No not all, you alright?” “Yes just a bit overwhelmed. Will you come join me when you are finished?” “You KNOW I will, don’t be silly.” “Thank you Stephanie, I really adore you.”
I went into the guest bedroom, because all our stuff was there. It felt weird not being in my room. I felt fat, my jeans were tight, and I rolled over and started to cry. How could I make one improvement today? I had to do something real fast. I would eat my lunch as part of my dinner, and not eat a Greek yogurt. I started to cry even harder, my back was so far pushed up against the wall. I felt all alone, and couldn’t wait to tell Stephanie, how I really felt. Now I just cried, pity tears for pathetic me. The one who starved themselves can you believe that?
BORN THIS WAY-2016