Ever since I awoke at 7:30 am this morning I feel like I have been wandering.
It has opened up a lot of cans of worms and I wasn’t planning on doing any fishing. Seems as though yesterday’s orthopedist appointment which was an appointment between here and there and after what has transpired wasn’t really necessary. I have been asking myself a lot of questions, spinning my wheels in circles, and greatly afraid I have lost my purpose and sense of direction.
I woke up this morning as a result of my injuries and decided I needed to be back in school for the fall and work the Clinton campaign around it. I called the registrar’s office and confirmed courses I wanted to take were available and I then started going sideways. Things weren’t working out 100 percent with returning to school and all my injuries and needed operations and physical therapy.
I got everything in place money wise and just couldn’t commit to another semester bogged down by physical ailments. I opted hollowly to stay the course and stay out of school one more semester while I take care of my body and I hopefully work as a fellow now for the Clinton campaign.
I am all nerved up. I don’t feel my confident self and a lot of things are happening and time is passing and I am not hitting goal marks like I desired. If I went to school full-time this semester and the next two semesters I would be in a position for a job in the field I want by the end of next summer.
I am obviously missing that mark and all the marks in between staying out of school without a real possibility of going this semester because of my physical ailments. I have caught myself looking at pictures from 15 and 20 years ago when I actually felt like I had the world at my fingertips and now I wonder can I get my finger tips on something big, something ground moving, something that speaks of Corey Britton and what I did in the past so very long ago?
I am not an idiot I realize not going back to school takes away hopes and dreams that if I had returned this semester would have still been alive by the very nature of moving forward with school. I am thinking that I might enroll in a couple of late start courses that are only 12 weeks in duration and it buys me another month. I can get one surgery done then and concentrate on physical therapy but this Corey Britton is in definite need of a new revitalized vision board of my dreams.
What is so hard is the feeling as I get ready to turn forty in a month or so, that my life, my larger than life life is out of my league now. I am embarrassed to write this, leveled to feel it, but I am a rainmaker I do lots of things and opportunity has always found me. Why am I not so sure? I am at multiple cross roads for starters.
A lot of my success comes from or is derived from money. I have had this unreasonable goal for about eight years that got me back to school as a way of getting as close as possible I thought to this financial goal. It is lofty to say the least and maybe if I didn’t have mania it wouldn’t be so grandiose but I have wanted it, I have dreamed of it, thought of life with it in hand. I saw the life in this one picture I wanted to obtain.
There are lots of ways to this goal, luck for gosh sakes could be one of them but there are other options available to keep Corey Britton in the game. I think as all I want to do is go to sleep and escape this is that my first part of my answer comes from what I fettered out here this afternoon-getting into school for late start courses.
I think that is key as for the last two years being a high level student has been my identity. I need it I crave it. So I will go to school just later than the start of the semester next week. That is a relief and I couldn’t wrap my mind around anything that didn’t involve going back to school this fall. So there Corey, you will be a thriving student again just 4 weeks later than planned and it makes the most sense with my needed surgeries.
I need to figure out my next phase of my life. It is striking me that it is clearly upon me and I don’t have things all figured out down to the T like the perfectionist-control freak I am. I think about lost opportunities and I am dwelling on things I can’t change. Life is and I am and together I need to continue to live and write my story. The problem is, I thought I knew the kick ass next chapter and I don’t.
I will give it up to the Universe today and if I could I would go to the store and buy a lottery ticket. I don’t know why my ultimate success after raising my daughter and any other children I might have is wrapped itself in money. I am money based. No I don’t have any financial hardship just the opposite and I feel the need, I feel compelled to attain a level that few get to no matter what they do.
I don’t deal with reality very well so let’s let that one go and focus on creating opportunities for myself for growth and wealth. Sounds so shallow but it is how I am wired. I need back into the game I walked away from and I have no idea really how to get back there.
I think for today I am calling it and feel blessed that I decided to go to school for late start. My dreams are shaky but they are still alive.
Now I am going to write in my journal and focus on what my vision board is going to look like. Stephanie is a dream come true and life isn’t that bad but today and yesterday have been leveling.
I will get the paper tomorrow for the vision board. Go to school next week to see about late start classes and get myself going with getting my body back to well. With anorexia still lingering and multiple broken bones I haven’t had a chance to get confident and get a game face back on.
I am grateful for this moment to write and to feel the discomfort I have been harboring inside of myself. It is time to get real, stop the pity party, and make the best I can with whatever I got, I get, or I create. That will all follow in the days ahead. I leave not a wander but a wonderer this afternoon.
BORN THIS WAY-2016