Interrupted-Where Is My Soul?

It has been a long day and I feel as though sleep will not be mine tonight.

Part of it is that I was out at a political rally for 4 hours with my daughter and although we made some amazing memories I feel stuck in my routine and that routine didn’t happen today!

I am in need of a break. Unfortunately I don’t know how to take one and my body will not allow it.

I am very worn out. Feeling defeated for no real reason other than I have a lot physically going on and today it sort of hit me when I was out with my daughter and I hurt-everywhere.

I was even treated like a person with disabilities-no nothing wrong with that but that is how I am viewed and how I truly am right now. I am really quite fractured. They run deep and I need a rest.

My mind on the otherhand has other thoughts. It is running at a million miles a minute and shows no signs of slowly down.

I need to rest everything-my body and my mind.

It isn’t going to happen on its own or naturally and I do fear the hospital for the rest part. I am very tired and can’t keep up the pace my body and mind are running at!

I haven’t a clue as what to do except try to rest at bedtime even though I doubt I can sleep.


I did sleep for like an hour and fifteen minutes. Truly a bad joke on my mind and body. I didn’t go get coffee this maniac’s hours.  I was too spent and still dying for a deep slumber that has eluded me in a long time.

I eventually went back and laid down as I couldn’t find a rhythm out at my desk. Writing wasn’t flowing and my thoughts were all mangled in the garble of my external voice.  I went back and laid down and couldn’t find any peace whatsoever.

For those of you who have experienced not being able to find peace you know what I am talking about-for others it is the scariest, loneliest, and darkest place to exist.

I jumped up out of bed fearing everything including myself. I was not afraid of self-harm, that isn’t something I have ever contemplated besides cutting myself as a college student. I feared for me, and what would happen if I couldn’t find peace. Peace is essential to our beings and existence and without it we are vacant and lost and numb.

Oblivion is what I think I would call it. It scares me to death. It is like no other feeling that is so void or empty. I can’t be empty or void, where am I when this happens? I wonder and ponder where does my soul go? Or does it too go numb……I count on my soul which is truly who I am to be consistent and steadfast. It can’t fail me in the darkest moments but it does.

I got up and went to my friend and foe: the mirror. I looked into the mirror and looked specifically at my eyes. Could I find me in there? It took a moment but there I was. Without peace but I was there.

I took a deep breath and stayed far from my bed-I couldn’t feel that again this early morning.

I came out to the computer and I immediately started to write about it although there was no ending, no conclusion. I don’t write like that usually.

I found as I began to write a veil of familiarity draped me like a veil, and I took deep breaths of it and resuscitated my soul.

This was way more than I asked for this morning or any morning.

I am through writing back to me. I feel the presence f my soul and although peace eludes me I find comfort in writing about the incident and realize I am okay without peace, it is my soul I can not lose.

I pray today is a good day, with a break in the Chi (energy) although I don’t count on it and if I can keep from getting laid up like I did last night with dark thoughts and worries I will be forever grateful to be spared such disequilibrium of my person.



Think Again

Today has been like the calm after the storm that blew in self-induced and I ushered it out with the help of Stephanie and her level headedness.

I was not in a good way yesterday on any level. From psychosomatic flu symptoms to a brain on fire, to my speech which was not okay, and finally my surgeon’s appointment  I have most definitely seen and experienced better days.

Last night Stephanie noticed that I was calmer and we went with it and sort of didn’t talk about it.

We watched the debate and went to bed around 11 pm and I got up around 1:15am. I felt calm and my brain was not on fire like it had been.

I went to the store and limped over to get my coffee and took it with my Adderall. Unlike all other mornings, I didn’t blog, I was too busy fending off attacks about the debate and setting people straight.

I won’t do it again but it needed to be done. I posted a couple of posts on my blog SCATTERED this morning and didn’t get around to this, my baby, until early afternoon. I posted an off the cuff piece on being a transgender ally and I went to work on this post to give an update an my sort of maniacal musing.

I still haven’t heard back from John Hopkins so I presume I will be here on Thursday to go to my primary care appointment and my first day of physical therapy.

What a difference a day and perspective make. It is only one week today until my fortieth birthday and I will see the foot surgeon on the same day.

Not very much time honestly and with starting physical therapy on Thursday I feel better about things.

Mostly my head is better. I still have fire in my brain but not anywhere to the extent I had it and my speech is a lot better although I will still see a speech pathologist. Stephanie, God love her, was the one who really recognized the change and I fed off of it as positively as I could. After sleeping a bit last night, I was even happier that sleep hasn’t eluded me through all of this.

I had a quick morning and didn’t start blogging until after 6 am. I finished my first post and then had another one on transgender and cis-gender people that will be published somewhere else that I posted to SCATTERED first. I just got made an editor of a very popular transgender page yesterday so I now have yet a new commitment.

I am very happy and honored that as an ally I was picked to write and publish for this.

Today has been a day of a sort of lightness of being and I have enjoyed every moment of this day that has totally gotten away from me.

My parents are picking me up in 25 minutes for Bella’s home volleyball game at her school. I did get some other things done and took an important phone call for the Clinton campaign so all feels good there. I of course watched every second of the debate and will refrain from my commentary but I am very pleased with the way things turned out.

I will be back around 6 pm and will try to get out my next anorexia post and finish up my second piece for the transgender page.

I am so grateful that my mind and body have quelled and I didn’t end up in the hospital. I owe it all to my girl Stephanie.

I hope everyone is having a an #AMPED up afternoon and PEACE OUT!



Far From Home

There are many times in our lives when we find ourselves far from home.

Be it emotionally, physically, or both we find ourselves in a vacuum of spaciousness far from who we are, or are meant to be.

Usually a transition of sorts is necessary to escape the fraught terrain we find ourselves walking and living in.

It is usually time of great inner discomfort mixed with sadness for who we aren’t being or for who we long to be.

Society plays a huge role in our finding our way home to live out through self-actualization our layers of hiding and misguiding that we once used to protect ourselves from our families, our friends, and even co-workers or mere strangers.

We get to a point where we can not tolerate our own mistruths and is beyond tolerable and  the road  ahead of us, or perhaps stones we stand upon are inescapable and we must face the mirror. The mirror is to our souls; the unique and inexplicable part of each of us that truly individuates us from one another and makes us human.

I am sure many people do not know where I am going with this and I did it on purpose. I am talking about being a person in this world, but moreover being a transgender person in this world.

I wanted to show the parallel people share in reaching their truth and eventually their authenticity whether they are transgender or not. I am writing for the transgender community so here is where I as an ally to the community glean the journey of an individual that is nothing like anyone else’s journey through the vacant, hollow and many times extremely isolating period.

Being a person, trans or not leads us to peaks and troughs as individuals wandering somewhat aimlessly through this life. Transition is the pivotal point where the transgender person decides or can not resist the urge and necessity to be who they truly are. Remember, this is also true for non-transgender people and I am trying to tie this together to illustrate we maybe very different but we share similar yet very distinct transitions in our lives.

I have only experienced transition on a metaphysical basis, unlike the transgender person who must subject their entirety to transition from one person or gender to their true gender which they unfortunately unlike cis-gendered people were not born into.

I have talked for many hours to many transgender friends who try to explain being held in shackles in the wrong gender that is not them. Painfully living for sometimes decades with the shackles imposed by the wrong gender and having to gather up not just courage, resources, and allies, but have to deal with the usual and customary epic losses of friends, family, children, and jobs just to name a few.

Those of us that are cis-gender do not experience anything as earth quaking as that by any means.

We transition through self-actualization and hopefully authenticity to arrive via very different paths at a similar place.

It is the similarity for which I write about today. If you are unfamiliar with transgender people or are transgender and don’t really know cis-gender people as friends, family, and allies, you must take a closer look and realize hell yes we are different, but dam we share a lot in common as well.

At the end of the day we are all trying to find our way home. Home to our TRUTH and living the actuality of that TRUTH.

I want as an ally to bridge the vast gap I see that remains between transgender and cis-gender people. I would never be so irresponsible to compare the transitions, as transgender people are far more in shackled by their wrong gender and all the mental and physical  pain and dysphoria associated with aligning their person’s with the right gender.

I don’t mean to dismiss anything that we all face through our lives as human beings here on this earth. I am just speaking gently and trying to build a bridge between the transgender people, the cis-gender people and all the people who fill the gaps in between.

We are in scary times in our political sphere, and equality eludes most of us to some degree. None are as discriminated upon as the transgender community.

I ask if you are cis-gender and don’t think you know anyone that is transgender, or you don’t “get-it” read this again. It isn’t that difficult and it should never be us against them or vice-versus. We are all human beings before we are anything else. Please in your hearts and minds today and everyday going forward do not lose sight of that.



Come Fly With Me!

I ended up going to the gym last night to work out my daughter, Bella.

Neither of us were up for it but we pushed through it and we both felt good afterwards.

I came home and the first thing Stephanie said was, “You’re calmer.” I thought about it and realized I was. I don’t know what is going on but I spent last night watching the pre-debate stuff and then the debate.

I was more relaxed and my speech was improved and Stephanie said it was a marked change.

We watched the debate and to my surprise it was interesting to say the least. I won’t get into my own commentary but I am very glad I watched it.

We went to bed at like 11 pm and I was up by 1:15 am. I hobbled to the store and got my coffee to go with my Adderall and spent the entire maniac’s hours posting and responding to vitriolic hate messages about the debate. I won’t do it again but it was something I needed to do this morning.

There is a very unstable man I am at war with over his disrespect and off message overtures that are filled with vitriolic hate. He professed at the beginning of the night that he was going to clean his toilet and proclaimed himself the most productive person in America. Except he couldn’t do it-he kept tossing in jabs and for somebody who didn’t care he spent an awful lot of time posting. He is not well and unstable and this morning he lowered himself to name calling-I am all set with that!

I am somewhat back to being myself and feel like I could fly away with Stephanie. I am happy, upbeat, and centered. I haven’t felt this way since before I got sick.

I am going to call John Hopkins today and see what they have to say. It is as if this spell of sorts is running its course.

I am ecstatic to be almost through to the other side without a trip to the hospital. I am so grateful for my mental change and demeanor which is much closer to my normal self.

I am going to take my Adderall as prescribed and not worry about my pressured speech. Yesterday I was consumed by it and it really set me back in many ways.

I am bracing myself cautiously incase things start to change or escalate again.

I would fly high and free today if it were possible but I will stay grounded with the mere mortals.

I feel still very creative and have a short piece of fiction I want to post. I posted my non-blogging post last night and I hope to get some good responses.

Writing for a different medium when I have been solely blogging since May is daunting to say the least.

I am very relieved to put it mildly that my brain while still on fire is definitely more manageable and I am not so worried. I think it is in my best interest to still go to John Hopkins and be evaluated by the neurologist.

I am feeling grateful and really happy that this is subsiding to some degree. I am also happy that my foot appointment for surgery is scheduled a week from today on my birthday. I need to get things going and moving forward for all that remains in front of me. I say with all due respect that I am flying today, as my demeanor is different and my spirits are high.

I suggest everyone think about flying today. Whether it is a major flight or just a little one, dare to dream and to think out of the box we are enclosed in. We are all better off when we are free to dream and actually act on those dreams.

Yesterday I wasn’t dreaming. I was down and out in the trenches and it was not a fun time or a good day to say the least.

Dream big, soar high and Peace Out!



Maniacal Musings: Post Appointment

Well I made it to my 1:10 pm surgeon appointment for follow-up on my leg and to talk about the next surgery.

I guess I feel a bit better for the moment-perhaps it is the pain pills……

The surgeon said my leg that was operated on a week ago is coming along and I will start physical therapy this week.

My bad leg which needs extensive surgery just got more complicated but I do think the pain pills are quelling the shock. I need to see a foot surgeon first to have a major bunion removed before anything can happen to the other knee.

On top of that I get my cast checked on my thumb on October 16, 2016 and that needs to be fused which is a long recovery. Luckily it is on my right hand and I am left-handed so that works out a little better.

I am trying really hard to take everything in stride (no pun intended) and hope to be on the road to well within the next coming months. There is no quick fix so it is what it is and I have to just go with it.

I haven’t heard back from John Hopkins so a bit disappointed but my speech was okay with the doctor today. I don’t think he thought anything strange was up.

I mow need to get into physical therapy and go to the foot surgeon on my birthday, October 4, 2016 at 10:00am.

Tomorrow I stop discussing my health as it only brings me down and on a beautiful day like today I am very limited with what I can do for myself and my little pug, Julia Bleu.

I have a fictional story that is quite dark I will post tomorrow and see how that goes. I am over due for an anorexia post although I have worked on the story a lot. It is a difficult time right now with the anorexia as I don’t know whether I am coming out of recovery and heading into relapse.

With my brain on fire it is hard to tell things at times, and if I am heading towards a relapse I really won’t be okay. I will have started this mayhem of a merry-go-round with anorexia followed by bodily injuries followed by anorexia.

I truly can’t deal with that and neither can my loved ones. I have put myself and them through far too much for a relapse in anorexia to happen to me now.

I promised myself I wouldn’t be an anorexic life and I promised my loved ones the same. I would not be okay and fear very dark thoughts if I can’t pull my head out of my ass and get it finally together.

If I don’t hear from John Hopkins today I will call first thing tomorrow morning. I can’t mess around with anything. I felt awful today and my blood pressure at the doctors

was 188/110. Really not good and its been that way since the fall.

I am per my doctor back on pain pills and I don’t want this either. I told him I felt so good the day of surgery I went to Bella’s volleyball game. He looked at me with an unhappy face and told me I pushed it to fast and too hard.  That day or afternoon I felt great it was the next morning that was dreadful.

I just want to get to well, so many things regarding my health are over due or need follow up. The only good thing about not going to Hopkins is I have a primary care appointment on Thursday and would be able to deal with my high blood pressure. Pain or no pain it has been too high for too long. I now have headaches and blurry vision and I am almost forty, not good at all.

I am feeling rather needy which isn’t something I normally experience. I might be going to the gym after 5 pm if Bella doesn’t have too much homework. I will find out when my ex-wife picks her up at 5 pm. I want to help my daughter and I will, but I just wish tonight I wasn’t in limbo and could get relaxed and ready for the debate at 9 pm.

Stephanie called after the doctor’s appointment and she knows I am struggling. I hate it, as I believe it puts more pressure on her and it is the last thing I want to do. Petrified doesn’t begin to explain my fear of wearing her out. She is always upbeat and positive but let’s be real I am a lot to deal with right now and she was my best and closest friend through all the anorexia turmoil. She needs a break and a chance just to be my girlfriend, not somebody who takes care of me on the mayhem merry-go-round.

I hope tonight if I go to the gym I am home by 6 pm and can get the bedroom set up to work on the computer and watch the debate.

My little pug knows something is up, she is on my lap for like the fourth time today. Unfortunately she has no idea I am probably leaving for the gym in half an hour.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I need to change things up and get moving on switching my summer to winter everything over. From clothes, jackets, bedding, and table linens I need to change everything then get everything washed and put away for next summer.

I also have to go to the local Clinton office tomorrow and make some FaceTime. I got a call a couple of days ago and still haven’t made it in.

I feel pressure from my job as well. I haven’t been overly productive this last week with surgery and the heat is on starting with tonight’s debate.

So tomorrow no more health reports, I just published a piece that is no blog related for a group I am an editor for. That needs to get polished and finished for posting tomorrow morning.

I am sorry that the blog has strayed and as the writer I take full responsibility and you can and will receive different tomorrow and the days thereafter.

I guess I should prepare myself for the gym, worst case or perhaps best case I don’t end up going. I need to be ready because when she calls she will be en-route to get me if we are going.

Once again my apologies and my next post will probably be fiction I think. We all need a break from my mayhem and my imagination is in rare form.

Peace Out!



Back To Life

As a person dealing with a complex set of maladies I need to remember that life doesn’t stop.

No matter what I am dealing with or how deep the shit is piling up I still need to drag myself up and get on it! Nothing or nobody is waiting for me.

I have felt off, sick, filled with malaise this morning for a number of reasons. All I did was write about it. It wasn’t until I got up and “DID” things like clean the kitchen, take a shower, etc. that I actually at the very least distracted myself from my problems.

Maybe they aren’t even problems, it’s just life and I don’t like how it feels right now. I do wish my stomach and anxiety felt better but the Adderall is keeping the fire in my brain at bay for the moment.

You know that feeling when you don’t know whether to eat or puke? Yeah, that is what I am dealing with right now.

So I popped open a bottle of diet orange soda and I am going to tough it out. I mean what’s a few chills, headache, stomach upset, and unfavorable bathroom situations? Sounds like the flu but I know I am just really off my game.

I have less than two hours before my parents pick me up and I have my appointment with the surgeon.

All the worry and angst will truly be real and I just found out from my ex-wife that I can’t come home and go to bed because I have to take my daughter to the gym for a workout after her practice.

I am not complaining just saying I can’t come home and jump into my warm bed. I will leave and my daughter will be stronger-so will I too.

I think I am getting soft as I turn 40 and I don’t like it. All morning I have been writing about problems of mine: my brain, my injuries, and now again my anorexia. I got to stop with this. It is enough to make anyone feel like shit.

I just took my second Adderall and maybe that will pull me from my funk. So not Corey to be down and out. I always see the positive and go for it, I don’t let little things boggle me down and right now I am putting myself under siege with all my chaos.

Whether I think about it, or just live it makes an enormous  difference. I used to just live, and let things fall where they may. Now I am talking and writing about things that don’t allow me any fresh air or breathing space.

My fire in my head I am dealing with. My speech my be off but who the fuck cares? The doctor may think something but I am not on pain pills and I am not off center so fuck him. He needs to deal with my pressured speech today, as I do have things to say.

My anorexia is an issue that has stalked me and hijacked my life for two and a half years. The choice is ultimately mine although it might not be simple. Eat and get well, don’t eat and become the lifer of an anorexic I promised myself I would never do. Getting there is not easy and I called my eating disorders therapist, and I am trying to eat a yogurt so okay that is done, enough said.

My injuries I have had for six weeks and for four I have known to some degree about the surgeries. I am shit out of luck, the anorexia weakened my skeleton and I took a smashing fall- free-falling and I am lucky I didn’t break my back, hips, or neck. Deal with it. One week ago I was pumped to get the easiest surgery out of the way, now everything is worse or I can’t deal? I don’t want to deal with the anorexia or the injuries. Tough, I did this to my body, plenty of loved ones warned me all too well about the long-term implications and I didn’t listen. Starving myself was a better choice I thought. Oops I made a grave mistake and now must deal with it!

I am finally feeling a bit more human, as everything but the anxiety and chills has ebbed. Long live orange soda! At the time it seemed like the wrong choice but I figured if it was I would just puke for sure. The Adderall is quieting my brain and for right now I am not completely 100% miserable like I have been feeling all morning.

I think once I am on the way to the appointment and with my parents who God love them, are so annoying, I will be better. I have cleaned, showered and made my phone calls, I just have like an hour and a half before I get picked up.

I am going to turn my fucking frown upside down. No poor me, never has been that way and fuck you forty if that is what you are bringing me. I am going to my appointment a week post-op and three weeks from recovery, not so bad. No, it is not glamourous or exciting but this is the trench I dug. The next three weeks will involve physical therapy and figuring out surgery on my right leg or fusing my thumb. I know right, really great choices! Time to laugh time to find myself in all this mess!

Where did I go for the last 8 hours that were completely miserable? Corey wasn’t here. Corey is not a complainer or a whiner and whatever forty is bringing if it shit like that, send it back!

I got my little loyal pug on my lap and I do feel a bit better because I refuse to let myself feel sick over psychosomatic reasons. I will take another bottle of orange soda with me to my appointment.

So today’s shit show of a miserable 8 hours is over. Period. I need John Hopkins to call me and schedule an appointment. I also need to call a speech therapist.

I will get this, I have yet to lose yet, and I am not starting now. I am Corey and I am strong and can take a beating and still find merriment in all of it.

That is what the next bit of time is going to require. Focusing on writing other stuff rather than me. I got on a roll and sunk my ship, my sails were not adjusted.

Adjustments to attitude made-and now I can get on with still feeling sick but not miserable or sad. I can’t stand pathetic in my own behavior, honestly. It is fine for others, but not for me. Another swig of orange soda and I should be on my way to well.



Gut Feeling

On top of a fiery brain, recovering from surgery and needing more, I have suffered from anorexia for the last two and a half years.

I really hit my stride to recovery this past summer in late June, early July. I put on a bit of weight and knew my anorexic head was sort of running its course.

With the surgery, and especially the change in mania, I have been losing weight quite fast. It wouldn’t be a big deal but I find myself liking it which is a total surprise and bummer.

I was sure I was past this point of wanting to lose weight or liking it. I have spent a good part of the summer convincing myself to get healthy and get buff going to the gym.

Now with this brain electrical chaos, my anorexia mindset is being thrown off too?

No it can’t be, really it can’t be happening to me again. I am not actively restricting but I like getting on the scale and seeing it go down. What is going on? I was way past this point.

Putting on weight has proven difficult but losing weight I haven’t really done in awhile.

I am going to add to my list today to call my eating disorders therapist.

I had realized I had gotten to a point where I was avoiding the scale because it was going up and now I am jumping on it every morning to watch it go down.

I am concerned that this cycle of anorexia and injuries is just going to keep repeating itself. I have even taken to drinking farm milk which was better and more fattening than whole milk at the grocery store.

I mean eating has never been easy but I had stabilized my weight and the only changes to the scale were that it was going up. I even had to get out a bigger size of jeans than I had been wearing. All hard but good stuff towards my recovery.

I can’t get on the mayhem merry-go-round of anorexia, broken bones, anorexia. I can’t do it myself or to my loved ones I am already putting them through so much. Nobody but Stephanie knows about my fire in my brain and I can’t tell them it would put everyone over the edge.

I have to focus on eating three to six meals a day. I have been up since 12:45 am and haven’t eaten anything. I actually feel nauseous I think because of my appointment.

I need to get over this little hump, get back to forcing myself to eat, and get my bones and my brain straightened out.

What the fuck? As I write I see what a walking nightmare I am. Poor Stephanie has to deal with it all. I am petrified of pushing her over the edge. She says no way but everyone has limits and I don’t want to be a burden I want to be a partner.

I haven’t a fucking clue how to alleviate any of this madness. I am very heavy in the head today which is because of the appointment but is something new for me. I hope this isn’t part of my brain on fire. Dealing with more intense feelings right now is the last thing I need or can handle.

I took a Xanax and hopefully that will take the edge off I even have a bad stomach I would go to bed feeling this way if I didn’t have my appointment. My Adderall didn’t help today and I wasn’t in the mood earlier for a golden elixir so I just now went and got the coffee and it is sitting in my stomach like a brick. I am a bit chilled-this must be all psychosomatic.

I am hoping my eating disorders therapist can see me tomorrow. I have an appointment scheduled for Thursday with my primary care but I believe I will be at John Hopkins.

Pam my eating disorders therapist can help turn me around as she always does I pray. I hope this anorexia thing isn’t gaining momentum as I might be kitchen sinking everything. My gosh, I have been through enough and have two more surgeries to go, and a brain on fire. Why would I do this?

I want to do a lot more research on anorexia. It is such an insidious disease and as smart as I am I too starve myself and it makes me happy. I honestly almost loathe myself right now. I had such a healthy body and I just ruined it and the damage is ever-lasting.

I am going to try to take some pepto and see if that doesn’t help quell my stomach. I feel so crappy. I don’t dare look in the mirror. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be one week from my fortieth birthday. I got to get on this, and change this mini-mental mind fucking game I have been dealt in.



Monday-The Big Day Ahead

As you know I have been battling my brain on fire and recovering from surgery on my leg last Tuesday.

Today the neurologist who called me back last night. He  will have his medical staff set up an appointment for late in the week.

He said I might just be experiencing a higher level of mania, which to him seems the most likely cause and is hard for me but not a medical problem. He stated that getting a speech therapist, and a counselor who can deal with mania is top on my list. He said that the biggest problems arise in mania shifts when people don’t seek out the necessary help to accommodate themselves.

Today also at 1:10 pm I have my follow-up with my surgeon from last Tuesday. He is supposed to discuss the bad leg and the invasive surgery it requires. I fear the worst, and that any chance I had again at running is gone. He will remove my stitches and talk about last week’s surgery as well.

I am nervous going to the surgeon with my brain on fire and not being confident in my speech. I have been practicing my talking but there are times when I just get all garbled because I can’t keep track of my thoughts.

The neurologist did say there are some other medications to try for the affects of the mania, but these newer drugs have some serious side effects. It is like oh great, a new pill that can really harm you, do you want to take it?

I talked with Stephanie and she admitted my speech is off although she can make it out. I am so uptight about my doctor and seeing my parents for the ride to the appointment. They will be against any new drugs for sure. They are anti-pill people all the way.

Today I know is going to be hard with the surgeon and Stephanie offered to go, but I told her no.  I think I will take his words hard and just want to be quiet and alone for awhile. I am not ready at the cusp of forty to not be able to run again, and even maybe have a hard time walking properly.

Stephanie is getting out early and will meet me back at the house. The doctor said the medical person would be calling this morning so Stephanie and I need to spend some time planning on getting to Baltimore.

My brain will not cease. I can’t even imagine the number of thoughts that have passed through my head. I am trying as I may to capture some good ones, but trying to remember exactly when I am inundated with new thoughts is challenging.

I did sleep again last night and although it was less than two hours it really means I don’t have mania madness.

I don’t know what to do with myself now. I am tired but could never sleep. I wrote more of my anorexia story and got caught up with my personal finances. Bleeding cash doesn’t begin to cover my expenses now through the holidays. With a trip to Baltimore and a Thanksgiving trip to Florida and Christmas I will be spending cash as quickly as I make it. Oh I forgot my engagement weekend on Columbus Day weekend, (the ring is already paid for), and the bedroom set we still need to buy for our new bedroom.

All of this just muddles my brain and the fire dulls but the chaos is increased. I am truly at a loss for this mania issue and will call a speech pathologist today once I get the appointment set up in Baltimore.

John Hopkins is one of the best, so I know I am in good hands with cutting edge medicine.

I try as I may to describe to Stephanie what is going on in my head. Imagine a 500 horsepower car being set on the emergency brake and than someone floors it and the engine almost explodes. That is the tip of what I feel and might not even be a great description.

I am very low today regarding my appointment and impending news. I probably am down playing what the surgeon is actually going to say. I am not equipped for the news or words and hope I can just make it home before I cry. These will be big crocodile tears. My sadness is deep and runs through many facets of my life.

Right now I have to work on my speech and keeping it to a minimum with the surgeon. I just don’t want him to think I am off or high on pain pills.

I have wondered if the pain pills or anesthesia could have played a role in my increased mania? I will have to talk to the doctor at Hopkins. I haven’t taken pain pills since Friday so they must be washing out of my body. It feels like some sort of a switch got flipped to start all this. I am not sure if I will ever know.

Stephanie is up and we are going to work on me speaking to the surgeon today. I have things I need and want to say so I just can’t sit there and wait through it.

I had an okay weekend given everything. I am now off the walker and the crutches. Probably too soon but I just want this mess all behind me and right now it is right in front of me staring me down.

My brain is going to have to slow down today for my appointment. I will take my Adderall in the waiting room, so it helps somewhat.

Here is to a big day, with major activities that I feel very ill-prepared for. I got this, I always do. Please self, don’t fail me now.



The Normal

What is the normal? Who is the normal? These are questions I ask myself repeatedly while my brain is on fire.

Is there a normal or baseline for brain activity and racing thoughts? We have diagnoses of ADHD and mania but other than those is there any clear definitive normal?

I suspect normal is what any given person is. Doesn’t make a lot of sense but how else can we explain exploding thoughts in one person’s brain, and calm, open thoughtlessness in another’s person’s brain?

There are imaging tests that show brain activity and the amount but as far as I know nothing to back up measurements unless you are talking about seizures.

There is a thought….what if what my brain is experiencing is a type of information overload seizure? It is possible. No, there is nothing in the academic literature or research, but what if that were the case? Would that mean medication for these information overload seizures exists or could be developed? It is just a thought amidst my thousands so please forgive me.

I don’t no what normal feels like. I know until this outbreak in increased activity I was closer to normal than I am now.

I don’t often think about being different, except for my speech. It is barely articulate sometimes and nerves me up so much I begin to stutter.

Speech is my biggest hang up. It is what I am most self-conscience about. I can look and appear pretty illiterate when I speak, when the exact words flow so smoothly on paper. At other times, I have been told I am a mesmerizing speaker who can really tell a story or describe a concept.

So much of it is dependent on my body-chemistry I know. I am not a neurologist and I know the affects the Adderall has on my system at times. Also at play are the hundreds to thousands of bio-chemicals swirling around our brains. I am aware of changes in them too at times. Maybe a doctor would call me crazy for suggesting such a thought, but I would love to take a test and play increase or decrease in a particular brain bio-chemical. I know I would probably get it right.

I know unlike others their brains don’t wreck havoc on their daily life just thinking-obviously I am excluding mental illness here. I struggle from how to start my day with the maniac’s hours and the golden elixir to the rest of the day, trying to stay stimulated and feed my brain’s fire. I actually try to write and read at the same time-anything to stay satiated.

I just want to get this figured out to whatever degree it is possible and do then what is possible to control my brain on fire. Today to free myself from my mind and thinking I am going to a fair with my daughter to ride rides and play games made for us to lose.

I think I need to distract and get active and my injuries don’t allow for a lot of physicality.

Stephanie is going to stay home and do some serious medical research as she has access to the major medical libraries.

Perhaps she will come up with a hypothesis although she likes my seizure one a lot.

I pray for some fun and down time, and not being such a fucking head case really. I am talking less as I try to build parallel constructs out of my crazy thoughts and pressured speech.

Stephanie did some deep research on mania while I was at the fair with Bella. It is a good thing I am going to see the neurologist at Hopkins as it appears some mania escalates at one point or another and can be very jarring to the person.

I just want my speech and my complete discernment of my thoughts to be right. I am phobic about speaking to someone I don’t know. My friends and family can somehow understand me although right now I can’t keep up with it.

Stephanie did a ton of research today and there are even other drugs that help with the symptomology. I love her so much and I know she is worried. I am not at my best and have my post-op appointment tomorrow where  I think the news is going to be devastating.

On a high note I had to take a cab and the driver was a cool dude named Danny. He told me he gives out his own award each day for his coolest passenger and that I was right up at the top but he still had hours to go. We exchanged numbers and he told me to call him to see if I won. I just called and I was his coolest passenger of  the day. I am so psyched.

Tonight I don’t think I will sleep. I am taking an Adderall now to quell what is going on and I will lay with Stephanie of course but I have got to break this. I have no idea what normal is to anybody else but my normal needs some medical attention soon!