Blinding Light-Vacant Darkness

I awoke with a slowly burning fire that has returned this afternoon as a blaze once again.

I am so not okay with this mind of mine. I am blessed and cursed in the same breath.

I really let my guard down and I didn’t follow up with the neurologist at John Hopkins. My bad I should have went for an evaluation anyway, but now I am in need of help.

My Adderall doesn’t cover my brain like this at this level of processing. I am lost but yet I am so alive with a breath of fire and ice that refuses to quell.

My demons and gremlins are in full force. They have multiplied and don’t lay dormant; they are busy with creating ideas, thoughts, and when I am lucky I get an answer or two.

My demons and gremlins are usually my friends…..right now they serve as frenemies of some sordid sort. Robust they are as they knock my cognitive balance and equilibrium into the darkness of the day.

I wondered about the darkness of my days? How could that be-so it is and I must navigate through the blinding sunlight skies into the dark depths of my soul; my being.

My soul is unwell. At best it is sickened at worst it goes numb, and I do not exist in the shell of my being.

Vacancy fills and floods my eyes, robbing them of their blue hue, to be replaced by enlarged darkened pupils where nobody can see me. Look, look as you may, I will not be there.

I fancy where do I go? How does the deep blue hue of my eyes return?

My only answer lies with something much bigger, much more powerful than I, it is a fight within between the devil and the God I worship.

To know and feel the devil is not right and not what we humans are ever supposed to feel. I have danced with the devil because my demons and gremlins told me to, they pushed me into his arms of fire.

I have questioned the chaos in my brain and wondered and pondered if it was truly the devil’s doing? I don’t believe it is, for my soul when it returns is pure and my eyes when they are not lost are bright blue and see me you can!

I question a lot these days, nothing more deeply than my mind.

I have come to see the fire in my brain is a protection from the darkness, yet sometimes is overpowered by the devil himself. I never believed in the devil until we danced, a waltz a believe. My memory is foggy as I am not meant to remember the finite details.

I have a lovely lady of a friend, she doesn’t believe in God, but she believes in the magic of angels.

I have never thought much about angles, or even those angels who I know look down and upon me. I have never graced their delicate whispering wings with gratitude or a simple thank you.

I realize today it is the angels upon me that carry me safely from the vacant, dank, darkness, back out to the sipping light of an afterglow, like after the mighty star, the sun, sets in for the night.

I say know with incredulous humility and angst of my arrogance thank you my beautiful angels. For without I would not traverse the darkness back to light and the fire that burns so brilliantly that which I can not understand would belong to the devil if it wasn’t for your watchful eyes, and fluttering wings that hold my soul so preciously when my eyes go vacant and I vanish into the darkness.

I am now a believer of angels, for it is only possible that you of course hold my soul and don’t allow the gremlins and demons cackling on my body, to take and tarnish like good silver left out too many days in the light and air. For it is you my angels I hope to get to meet-I thank you for your protection and always the return of my mighty soul that my God bequeathed to me on the day I was born and you will protect until I take my last breath in expiration.

In 3 days I turn 40 years old, and the fire well it just arrived weeks ago without nary a warning or a hello. It was sudden, and my reflexes rapid to the fast burn in my brain that spelled brilliance yet chaos all in the same melody.

I am ready now, thank you my dear lovely friend, believer in angels, who freed me from the scathing char of the fire that burns so fast and deep. I am no longer scared, and know with security that with my angels I am never alone and God only sends good angels to do his work and pray as I might to him, it was alas the angels I needed to speak with.

My angels, I beg you to keep me whole and when I do go vacant you protect me and now I will not be afraid of my soul, my person, my being, coming back to me when it is safe and in the sunlight the darkness carries on.